For my Friend, Dr. Z. Budapest

16 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , ,

Meeting Z. Budapest online has been the greatest gifts I could have received from the Goddess. I have read her books and followed her story, even taught some of my groups using her wisdom. As I move into this year’s Solstice and dark makes way for the light, I am reminded of how much we are loved as women and fellow Goddesses.

Over the vernal equinox, I performed a Shekinah ritual asking Her to open the doors to realize my passion and to be able to offer services to whomever was in need. Since then, doors have opened wide, and Z and I connected through Facebook. So, this is where creation and birthing have taken place.

I am committed to serving Goddess by helping promote Z’s message. Women are hungry – women from all walks of life. They are confused and just realizing how feminism is more than protests and battling the patriarchal society. It is about embracing their beauty, their sacredness, their wonderment of being born woman with the sacred red threads of life from Goddess.

I am determined in the coming year to work hard to get this message out to women everywhere as I work with Z to promote her lifework. Goddess has brought us all together for a reason, and the more I see the fear and anger rising up against women and feminism, the more I know that the message is taking anchor in the core of those women that have led the way.

To this end, using the phenomenon of social media, I have created Z’s Power Team on Facebook. We have over 100 women that have joined in. We will work in partnership together as sisterhood to get the message out to other women about Z’s books and her message. By joining in this Power Team, women can let their voices be heard. The voices that have been held down for so long can now be loud and clear. We, as sisters, joined in the scarlet thread of Goddess womb life, can stand strong with those that have gone before us and enter into the new light from the womb of the Goddess. As we go forward, sisters from all over will join in our voices by helping this cause.

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Release It!

11 Mar 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Music of the Day – Stand Back by Stevie Nicks

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/stevienicks/standback.html

Words are often so different than actions, aren’t they?  And that seems to be the greatest difference between a real connection with someone or ourselves and just a flyby connection.  What’s a flyby connection?

Well, let’s talk about that.  When we put ourselves in the mix of a friendship or love relationship, we make judgments based on our own experiences and what we see in another.  Often the person with whom we desire to connect reminds us of something either known in the past or something we want to know and experience.  Rarely is there just a connection based on no judgment.

We decide how much we wish to invest based on those early moments as does the other person.  There may be something that is missing at first that creates a need to hold back.  We may, or the other person may, say the words, but are the actions there?  Does the other person say words of care and should dos and maybes?  After saying those words, does she or he get so busy in their lives that they neglect building the friendship or relationship only to say later that they just got so busy they couldn’t find the time?  Do you do this as well?  This is a flyby connection.  There may be something there, but not enough to really connect at a deep level.

This is a time when release of the relationship has to happen.  If it just isn’t there, it’s not there!  Don’t continue to hold onto something just because there might not be another.

Now, let’s talk about honoring yourself in this.  If you are the one holding back, why?  What is it that prevents you from truly buying into this?  Release it!  Oh, we all have our flybys and our acquaintances that are part of our lives, but if it is a real connection you are desiring and you are the one holding back, really look at the reasons.  Pick up the rock and look at the underneath that sits in the dirt.  What purpose is served here?  Look for the purpose!  If you can find none, then release and walk away.

On the other hand, if you are the one putting it all in there and the other holds back, ask yourself why you stay?  Is there some need that you need to fill?  What is your purpose in this as well? Why can’t you let it go? Hope that it will change is nice, but rarely is there a change.  If the other person doesn’t feel it, you can’t force it.  Release it!  If staying is only causing pain, and you just can’t walk away, look at the need for that pain.  What service does it give you?  Does the other person remind you of someone in your past for which you need closure?  If that is the answer, then write about your feelings, talk to someone you trust, explore the reasons, find closure.  Then release it!

It is only through actions backing up words are true connections made, regardless of the relationship involved.  It is through coming to the table with impeccable words and integrity in the heart that true connections are made.  Look at what is not serving you and … Release It!

Don’t Feed the Animals!

10 Mar 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , ,

Turning Point by Nina Simone

Link to song and lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ninasimone/turningpoint.html

While this song is about racism and the highlights how children and adults views of differences are so diametrically opposed, there is a stanza that speaks to me on a very personal level.  But, before I get to that, I do want to hit upon the gist of the song since differences are a big part of the thoughts and emotions evoked with Nina’s song.

She sang a song so pretty
On the Jungle Gym
When Jimmy tried to hurt her
I punched him in the chin

An underlying tone of how some people with differences are viewed is what makes this song so meaningful.  You see, when there is a general disrespect for others regardless of gender, race, lifestyle, or belief systems, there is a real turning point in a life that is bullied because of differences.  That is what is so glaring about this song – it speaks volumes about bullies.  And there are many layers of bullying.

There is the obvious physical bully as spoken of in the song and that I experienced as a little girl.  But, perhaps, one of the most insidious bullies is one who uses mental and emotional actions to make someone feel small, insignificant, and unworthy.  I have experienced that as a little girl as well, but have experienced it as a woman.  And my experiences have been from those who called themselves religious or spiritual and used that lie as their crutch to fall back on justifying their own actions.

It is no secret that I am a little different, and have always been different.  Oh, I tried to fit into the belief system in which I was raised, but in the end, keeping up such a façade in the face of hypocrisy was more than I could stomach.  I have been fortunate enough to have a relationship that honored my inner differences and never ridiculed me or tried to “save” me.  Instead, he recognized the beauty that was deep inside.

However, there have been others that have tried to fit me into their mold and bully their way into my psyche and into my life all the while feeding off my insecurities.  Fortunately, I was strong enough to say no!  And I was strong enough to stay the course with what I feel is my truth and integrity.  And that is where I am today.

Although I did not write for International Women’s Day, I take this moment to say to all women – do not let the bullies tear you down and make you feel stupid or less valuable.  We are not perfect, but it is our imperfections that make us beautiful and worthy.  If someone is in your life trying to bully you into being what they desire, refuse and take a stand.  If someone is in your life that does not see your value or worth and continuously puts you on a roller coaster of emotional rides, don’t buy the ticket!  If someone is in your life and demands you to give more than they are willing, that is a form of bullying and you can turn your back and walk away!

Remember the signs in the zoo that say “Don’t feed the animals!”  Bullies are animals – don’t feed them – the more you feed them, the more they demand.  And to you bullies out there, back off, bucko!  We’ve got your number!

Stop the bullying

What’s Yours?

13 Feb 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Music Muse of the Day – Dirty White Boy by Foreigner

Link to Song and Lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/foreigner/dirtywhiteboy.html

I love this process!  This morning as I opened this song, images of the bad boy – we’ve all known some – came into my mind.  Frankly, it was what drew me to my husband many years ago – he had the looks and reputation of being a bad boy.  But I cannot take this song so literal this morning because I am realizing that it’s not really the lyrics or the musician’s meaning of the song.  This process is about recognizing those pieces of myself that are ready to be released and explored.

So, what is the “Dirty White Boy” in all of this?  It is that part of me that is all me.  It is about owning my truth and knowing that regardless of my outward face, the inward knowing of who I am is valuable and worthy.  There is that “Dirty White Boy” inside of me – inside of all of us.  That part that knows that we are not perfect – we have flaws – we have imperfections – that people around us may not like or appreciate, but we know that they are all a part of our perfection.

I cannot speak for you, the reader, but I can speak for me.  I have a quick temper, and when I feel safe, I let it loose.  Well, sometimes, I let it loose anyway.  But when it’s over, it’s over.  The temper gives me passion and is a calling card for the fire in my soul.  I may be Pisces, but I am on the cusp of Aries and have Leo ascending – steam! And I am in love with that part of me because it’s fire and water and passion!

Now here is my struggle!  I have this tendency to put myself and my needs and wants on a shelf so that someone else can experience theirs.  I will put what I desire on hold even though it hurts inside and even though I know that I will hurt in the process, but I will sacrifice.  I have been accused of enjoying being a martyr, and there may is some small truth in that.  But I justify it in my mind that I would rather hurt than someone I care about.  It is not a healthy attitude, and one with which I struggle.  Maybe I enjoy pain?  I don’t know, but it is something I am exploring.

My story is that I am a caregiver and I fix things, so if I need to give up something for someone else, then so be it.  Yeah, see? We all have those things that need discovering and reframing.  So, that’s my “Dirty White Boy.”  What’s yours?

Dancing Naked in the Milky Way

01 Feb 2014 1 Comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Music Muse of the Day – A Thousand Falling Stars by Little & Ashley

Link to YouTube Video with lyrics – http://youtu.be/QD0LbEyuLDQ

Cosmic-Dance

I think I must be on some cosmic journey this week because today is about exploring the parts of me that have been hidden.  Most amazing because I have realized that all of the wonder hidden inside of me is right there and has been all along.  As I step into this wonderment, I have those around me that have seen it as well.  I must have had it hidden from me pretty damn good, but I am glad that all of those “thousand falling stars” are landing in my hands to gaze at with wonder and awe.

One of my favorite lines in this song is, “Somewhere inside you, there is a wild frontier.”  The wild frontier is inside all of us – we just have to disappear from our outer selves and “take a journey” to that unknown region.

Source is saying, “What I can show you will take your breath away!”  The Lover is there waiting to embrace us and show us the beauty of those stars inside.  The Lover inside is waiting to catch the stars of our amazingness and wonder.  Are you ready to take the journey?  I am on that most excellent “dance on the moon” as I dance “round and round the Milky Way” with my Lover – my Self that has been waiting to shine – that star that is me, the beauty of me. Ready to know what I found this morning?

I am most beautiful inside and out!  Yes, I am!  Every line is a testament to experiences and joy and laughter and tears in my life.  The way my body moves, how my skin feels, how my smile lights my face.  I found the Lover in me!  Those stars that are falling are falling in me to bring the shine to my world.

Take a listen to the song. Close your eyes and disappear! Take that journey!  Discover your beauty within. If you embrace that beauty within, the Lover cannot help but laugh and dance you around letting the world see that beauty without!

Do not let those in your life that cause you pain and self-doubt tear you down and make you feel less that worthy.  Because, my Love, you are most beautiful and most worthy!  Dance Naked in the Stars and watch those “thousand stars falling down” into your heart, your soul, your very being.  My Love, you are the most beautiful creature in the Lover’s eyes.  How could you doubt it?

 

I Want You to Stay

30 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , , ,

Music Muse of the Day – Stay by Rhianna

Link to song with lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rihanna/stay.html

Since I made the commitment to do this each day, there have been some days when a random song from my play list that at first just doesn’t make sense.  Today is no exception.  As I listened to the song with the lyrics, I realized that my emotions greatly reflected the song.  Of course, Rhianna’s intention is clearly about a lover.  Mine?  It’s that connection to passions in my life that would be so easy to walk away from, but I would be lost without them.  If I walked away from those passions and dreams forever, a huge piece of me would die.  They live in my shadow self – that part of me that was put on a shelf so long ago, and yet remains waiting to become a part of my life once again.

I facilitate a monthly women’s group called Wild Women, and we have been studying Women Who Run with the Wolves by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes.  This past week was our January meeting.  The chapter was Chapter 8 about the baits and traps that keep us from realizing our passions.  The story was The Red Shoes.  In the story, a little girl desires red shoes but is too poor to purchase them, so she makes her own.  She is taken in by a wealthy old woman who burns her red shoes because they are not good enough for her new way of life – her new gilded cage.  The little girl gets a replacement pair of red shoes – all shiny and bright, but they are poisonous and make her dance and dance without rest until she finally cuts off her feet to be free. 

The handmade red shoes were her dreams and passions, and when she became trapped in that gilded cage of what the world said was right and perfect, she lost those red shoes only to miss them so much that she eagerly took replacements that were dangerous and caused her to become someone she was not – someone that society said she should be.  When she realized the futility of being someone that was not her true self, instead of finding a way out of it, she cut her own feet off becoming a shell of what she was. 

We all have walked away from dreams and passions for one reason or another only to replace them with what society says we should be and do.  I have, but in realizing the dreams and passions turned away, I call them back.  As I call them back, I ask them to “show me something!”  They say, “If you dare, come a little closer.”  I move closer knowing that there is a danger there that might lead me to a place that is quite different from who and what I have been for a very long time.  And yet, I know that I cannot turn away.  I know that my life depends on reconnecting with that passion and dream. 

This stanza speaks to all of us who are not living as we know we should.

It’s not much of a life you’re living
It’s not just something you take–it’s given

We have been given these incredible gifts and talents, and without nurturing them and allowing them to have a life, we have no life.  She says in the song:

Funny you’re the broken one but I’m the only one who needed saving
‘Cause when you never see the light it’s hard to know which one of us is caving.

Who is the broken one?  Our shadow selves – that part of us that is connected to the gifts and talents and the dreams that are waiting to come back out – the red shoes.  I want my red shoes to stay.  I know that I cannot live without them.  To my shadow self and my dreams so long ago put away, I want you to stay!

Beyond the Beyond

29 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , ,

Music muse of the day – Oh Great Wave by Lisa Dancing Light

Unfortunately, there is no link other than to her website so I am including it.  Lisa Dancing-Light is a beautiful spirit with an amazing voice.  This particular song is not found on YouTube or in any other video source, but it is on one of her CDs.  Here is the link – I recommend her to all of you out there.  http://lisadancinglight.com/

And now the lyrics to Oh, Great Wave:

 Oh, great wave.

Wash away, wash away my false space

Awaken from my sleep the radiant sun.

Touch me, touch me. I am once again

Beyond the beyond.

I am that I am.

Beyond the beyond!  Interesting since just the other day the music muse was Gate, Gate speaking of the very same idea.

I love the ocean, and the music starts with the ocean wave.  The sound carries me to a place deep inside that connects with Yemaya – Mother Ocean.  The core of my spirit rides the great wave without fear and with a release of longing to be reconnected with the waters of life.  For it is through the waters of life that I feel my power deep within.  The core of the ocean wave is that it flows until it hits the shore, then crashes washing away the debris back to the mother for cleansing.  There is a gentleness in the sound but such power in its force.

If I allow myself to float with the great wave of cleansing, will I become lost in its power?  Or will I come to the space of radiance and truth?  Cleansing my false space, my secret yearnings that have yet to be created and manifested, She touches me with the great wave.  I am pulled from the shore of uncertainty and carried away in Her power and force to be transported back to the Mother – Yemaya – and cleansed.  She touches me in a way that awakens me inside and awakens the radiant sun to shine on my own worthiness and my own I Am-ness.  I am carried “beyond the beyond” to a place of Being that is my radiance.  I am awakened.

I am reminded that I am a part of Her – and through that rejoining, I reclaim my own power and strength.  I now reclaim my own I Am-ness.  I stand strong and proud as a woman – beyond the beyond!

Don’t Hold Me Down

23 Jan 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in All About Me, My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , ,

Today’s music muse – Don’t Hold Me Down by Colbie Caillet

Link to the song:  http://youtu.be/d3zLCKaEfb0

When I opened this song this morning, my first thought was “Wow”!  It felt that Colbie was in my head and my heart.  The first stanza says,

I’m just so tired of these troubles that I try to hide.
Makes me wanna wash away my whole world inside.
I think it’s time that I make changes in the things I do.
This weight on my chest I am ready to loose.

I have been in the process of making “changes in the things I do” for several years, and there are times when I feel as if I am in a hamster cage running around and around in circles going nowhere.  I have kept my real feelings hidden for a very long time – wanting to make changes, yet not sure how.  Not being one to shy away from a fight, I go round after round pulling myself to a new place.  Sometimes, it is a good place, and sometimes, it feels unsafe and toxic.  It is those times that weigh me down for a while until I break away.  Over time, the weight of the struggle and battle feels too much, so I hide.  My mother-in-law had a saying that fits here.  “I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.”  Wait, it gets better!

Second stanza:

I have been rocking back and forth across the line.
Hanging for a moment on the wrong side.
Now I’m standing up, I think I’ll be here for a while.
Hope I remember how to keep on this steady smile.

“I have been rocking back and forth across the line – hanging for a moment on the wrong side.”  So, all I can say is, “That!”  I’ve been on the wrong side often trying to crawl out of self-dug holes.  I’m at the edge, standing up and standing strong.  That steady smile?  I smile because I am standing up!  And now for the chorus:

Don’t hold me down.
Oh, I was getting so far.
Don’t hold me down.
Cause I don’t wanna fall apart.
Don’t hold me down.
You see me waking up and feel it now.
I’m breaking down and nothing’s gonna stop me now.

We do get in our own way, don’t we?  Often, it is easy to blame the people in our lives, but in the end, it is up to our own selves.  If someone else gets in the way or holds us down, it is because we allow it.  We can wake up and say no to ourselves.  Say yes to be strong and speak your voice.  What do you want to break through?  Are you ready to wake up?  It is that waking up process that breaks down the walls and obstacles and lets us soar.  Finally,

I know I’m gonna fight it.
I’m tired of being blinded.
So….

I won’t hold me down.
Oh, I wanna go so far.
I won’t hold me down.
I don’t wanna fall apart.
Don’t hold me down.
You see you’re waking up and feel it now.
I’m breaking down and nothing’s gonna stop me now.

No, no.
Nothing’s gonna stop me now.

Saying, “I know I’m gonna fight it” seems like a self-prophecy, but we are, after all, human.  And when we move out of our comfort zones, it is our nature to fight it – even if that comfort zone is not a good place.  But making the statement, “I won’t hold me down,” and “Nothings gonna stop me now” is a ground breaking step.  Don’t hold yourself down!  “You see you’re waking up and feel it now!”  Wake up!

“I’m breaking down and nothings gonna stop me now!”

The Day After

07 Nov 2012 2 Comments

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , ,

It’s the day after the 2012 election.  What a ride, right?  The hatred and anger bubbled to the surface like a rancid sewage overflow.  And it stank like one as well.  I admit that it came from both sides, but in my world, the viewpoints from the conservative right against women’s rights, voting rights, and basic human rights and dignity seem to be from one group.  I saw it spill over to people in my own family and some close friends that are well-educated, but prefer to believe the hype the media portrays.  Of course, they say the same about me.  So, as I attempt to make some sense of this all, I wish to share my own views on this craziness.

First of all, my life may not be perfect, but I am much better off than four years ago.  Financially, I have what I need – except health insurance.  I’m working on that.  I am working, my small business is doing well, I am attending college to complete my degree, and I get to do pretty much as I want.  I have seen our President’s successes and some failures, but overall, I choose to believe the research I have done rather that listen to the angry rhetoric of the Tea Partiers and those that are so entrenched in Conspiracy Theories that the sun shining odd is the fault of those mystery “powers that be.”

Women’s rights came under fire to be sure.  I saw a few far right Tea Party candidates relegate rape to a good time for the guys.  All of a sudden, there were visions of reverting back to the 50’s and 60’s when women were seen as dumb sex object who got what they asked for.  I saw the issue of birth control come under fire – once again, the fault of those “Jezebels”.  Of course, at no time was any blame or responsibility placed on men.  The last time I got pregnant, it was a joint effort between my husband and me.  I don’t know – maybe it has changed?  If so, then women can get pregnant by themselves.  So, the battle cry of “Leave Our Vaginas Alone” is apropos!

I saw Social Security called an entitlement.  Hey, now!  I have paid dearly into Social Security.  Entitlement?  Nope, that’s my money and I want it after working so long and hard.

I saw the Affordable Health Act attacked.  I have not been able to access  low-cost insurance as of yet, but you can bet that I will.  To imagine a country as wealthy and powerful as ours not offering health care to everyone is unconscionable.  A healthy society is a productive society.  A productive society is a profitable society.

In California, where I live, I saw Monsanto and Dupont pour massive amounts of money into defeating a proposition that would require the labeling of Genetically Modified foods.  I want to know what is in my food!  The proposition did not pass – the big GMO corporations won that one.  I am compiling a list of those companies that contributed to the defeat, and I will NOT give those companies any of my money.  Boycotting at this point seems to be the way in which I can speak my voice.

After all of this, there remain extreme feelings of anger and hatred.  I saw that the Dow plunged today.  Of course, Wall Street has to make its voice heard with a temper tantrum that far exceeds the capabilities of my four-year old grandson.  It proves that our country remains divided between those that hate our President and those that don’t.  How do we get past this?

I, for one, am determined to continue to make my voice be heard.  I will continue to be proactive in my voice championing those rights of the less fortunate.  I will use my voice and keyboard to call out those that would denigrate all that our foremothers and forefathers fought so valiantly for.  I urge you all to not accept anything less that honesty and integrity.  Do not believe all that the media and strong-arm admen and corporations say.  Research, read, study!  You, and you alone are responsible for your choices.  We are our brother’s and sister’s keepers.  If we let one go by the wayside, then we let all go by the wayside.

One more thing, one of my dear friends posted in a Facebook post a comparison of voting for wealth and a strong economy or voting for compassion.  My answer to that is we should be able to have both.  Without a compassionate citizenry, our economy falters.  Greed only goes so far.  And since when is compassion a bad thing?