What’s Yours?

13 Feb 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Music Muse of the Day – Dirty White Boy by Foreigner

Link to Song and Lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/foreigner/dirtywhiteboy.html

I love this process!  This morning as I opened this song, images of the bad boy – we’ve all known some – came into my mind.  Frankly, it was what drew me to my husband many years ago – he had the looks and reputation of being a bad boy.  But I cannot take this song so literal this morning because I am realizing that it’s not really the lyrics or the musician’s meaning of the song.  This process is about recognizing those pieces of myself that are ready to be released and explored.

So, what is the “Dirty White Boy” in all of this?  It is that part of me that is all me.  It is about owning my truth and knowing that regardless of my outward face, the inward knowing of who I am is valuable and worthy.  There is that “Dirty White Boy” inside of me – inside of all of us.  That part that knows that we are not perfect – we have flaws – we have imperfections – that people around us may not like or appreciate, but we know that they are all a part of our perfection.

I cannot speak for you, the reader, but I can speak for me.  I have a quick temper, and when I feel safe, I let it loose.  Well, sometimes, I let it loose anyway.  But when it’s over, it’s over.  The temper gives me passion and is a calling card for the fire in my soul.  I may be Pisces, but I am on the cusp of Aries and have Leo ascending – steam! And I am in love with that part of me because it’s fire and water and passion!

Now here is my struggle!  I have this tendency to put myself and my needs and wants on a shelf so that someone else can experience theirs.  I will put what I desire on hold even though it hurts inside and even though I know that I will hurt in the process, but I will sacrifice.  I have been accused of enjoying being a martyr, and there may is some small truth in that.  But I justify it in my mind that I would rather hurt than someone I care about.  It is not a healthy attitude, and one with which I struggle.  Maybe I enjoy pain?  I don’t know, but it is something I am exploring.

My story is that I am a caregiver and I fix things, so if I need to give up something for someone else, then so be it.  Yeah, see? We all have those things that need discovering and reframing.  So, that’s my “Dirty White Boy.”  What’s yours?

You Can Call Me Renee!

10 Feb 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Music Muse of the day – Adia by Sarah McLachlan

Link with lyrics:  http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sarahmclachlan/adia.html

YouTube link with lyrics:  http://youtu.be/Y0nwxDl_h1o

Who the hell is Adia?  Well, that depends on the person.  I will tell you here and now, for me, Adia is that woman I  left behind that was full of self-hate, self-doubt, insecurities, and questioning every part of who she was.  Adia is my old self – Terri.

Even as I write this, tears come to my eyes with grief for her because she was, as the song says, born innocent, but through actions of people she trusted, lost that innocence and became filled with her own stories of being broken and damaged.  And try as hard as I could, I just could not break free of those old thought patterns and triggers to old belief systems.  So, I did what I was lead to do – change my name, taking on an entirely new meaning.

Words have power as do names.  In some aboriginal cultures and in ancient cultures, humans went through several name changes in their lives because it was recognized that names have meanings and lives change.  When an infant was born, a name was given that embodied the hopes of the parents of what that child would become.  When the child turned to the age of reasoning between 7 and 10 years old, there was another naming ceremony in which a name was given the embodied the child and her being.  At the age of 13, the age of menses and entrance into womanhood, her name would change again relating her truth of the woman she was becoming.  Often she would retain that name until she felt a change was necessary, but at the age of becoming an Elderwoman, a change was once again enacted that told the story of who she had been and telling of her wisdom.

My birth name meaning was harvester of chaos – and my life truly spoke of that truth.   My name now is Renee – reborn!  I have added another piece of my Beingness in taking on a second name, Camille.  Why?  Because Camille Renee is Wild Woman Reborn!  I am living my truth – wild, free, being a woman who is learning to love herself as she is with all perceived flaws and imperfections.  Saying this brings the realization that there are no flaws or imperfections – we are all born perfect in our Selves, and that is the beauty of this process.

The last stanza of this song says it all and speaks of what my heart song is and explains why I am so adamant about changing names – bringing my truth into my life in a way that completely embodies who I am.  In doing so, I have set Terri free and am truly Dancing Naked in my truth and Beingness.

Adia I thought we could make it
but I know I can’t change the way you feel
I leave you with your misery
a friend who won’t betray
I pull you from your tower
I take away your pain
and show you all the beauty you possess
if you’d only let yourself believe that
we are born innocent
believe me Adia, we are still innocent
it’s easy, we all falter, does it matter?
believe me Adia, we are still innocent
’cause we are born innocent
Adia we are still
it’s easy, we all falter … but does it matter?

We all falter, and it doesn’t matter.  We have the power to become who we truly wish to be – not who we were told we should be.  Take it on!  You don’t have to change your name, but you do have to change your way of thinking.  A name change is how I knew I needed to make changes.  So for those who ask me, “What are you calling yourself these days?” – I say, “Whoever I want to be!”  Today, I am Camille Renee – but you can call me Renee!  She is here to stay!

Renee