Let Go and Dream

18 Jun 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , , ,

Music for the Day – Dreams by Stevie Nicks

Link to Music/Lyrics – http://www.songlyrics.com/stevie-nicks/dreams-lyrics/

Sometimes, in our lives we feel we have lost the dream we once imagined. We start off with these visions of where our lives should go and dreams of the most amazing events happening in our life.

Then we reach a certain age, and look back wondering what happened to the dreams and visions of that young girl who entered this life full of expectations of how things would be. I remember that girl – scared and fearful that the man she chose to share her life with would leave realizing that she wasn’t so great after all and that it was just an illusion.

I have reached that age when the children are grown and living their own lives. And I still have those dreams that remain strong and very real. You see, I just put them on hold for a while. I am still young enough to make them a reality and old enough to recognize how it plays out according to my own self-limitations, and no other.

I am pursuing the dream of writing, working on the dream of painting, and envisioning the dream of playing music. It’s all there – inside of me just waiting to blossom into what I had dreamed.

Many obstacles in my life have provided that which comes to life in my writing and painting. Poetry is just becoming another avenue of expression. The music? I’m thinking getting another guitar and re-acquainting myself with an instrument that saved my life in my early teens, besides the piano.

One thing that I have learned is that challenges and “players” will come and go, but those visions and dreams remain. I kept them to myself, but now, I feel the freedom to let go, throw them in the air, and see where they land! I cannot depend on any one person or event to make it happen for me. That is up to me, and I am on the edge of letting loose. I will jump and fly, landing where I land with the old expectations of the girl of so long ago with one difference – she has moved out of that scared feeling and taking the courage to step out.

I really do not know where this will take me, but I am open to the possibilities. I am open to embracing all of the amazingness of me! I am open to embracing where I am taken regardless of the path to get there, because I depend on me, and me alone, to make this happen.

Oh, that man I shared my life with that I was afraid would discover the truth about me and would leave. Well, 40 years later, he is still here. He knows the truth about me, and yet, he still holds on. Amazing!

Whatever the Hell I Choose!

16 May 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

DSCN1830

 

Music Muse – Into the Fire by Sarah McLachlan

Link to Music/Lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sarahmclachlan/intothefire.html

I started changing – evolving – finding myself – about 6 years ago. One of the changes I knew that needed to change was my name. So many attachments and fears were attached to that old name, but back then I was unsure how that change would take place. After a few years of this name and that name and trying out how each felt, one appeared in my mind that, at that time, seemed perfect. But in the last three years, even that changed.

What I discovered is that as I opened myself to all of the possibilities and all of the personalities of my selfness, so did the way I accepted myself.  I am a firm believer that words, especially names, have great power.

As I listened to today’s music, Into the Fire, images were conjured of my struggles since the decision to change my name and the fire that has become a part of my being – burning away the old dross and purifying the new to embody what I had always held so deep within but kept buried in the camouflage of my masks.

Once I had accepted my new beingness and thought the name that had attached itself was set, BAM! Another change! So, I have come to this place of knowingness that comes from a deep longing and soul searching.

I have leapt into the fire. I feed the fire. I return to the beginning and those words that were spoken to me so long ago by parents that did not understand how powerful words are.

There is no compromise any longer – no acceptance of what others say I should be. I may still carry some of those old fears attached to my original name, but I have rested in the cleansing waters of the Mother. Those old fears? Now I lovingly embrace them because that little girl I left behind still needs to be held and comforted. She still is afraid of rejection and abandonment.

Abandonment. Ah, that’s the word that causes her to stir. But, as I take on all that my newness brings, there is a quiet strength that brings her comfort. Words that quiet her flames tell her that she is beautiful and even if those around her who do not appreciate her completeness and scoff at her struggle to find that piece of her that was lost so very long ago, she is perfect and whole. She is not broken – she is whole, lovable, and valuable. For those that cannot see that? They are not a part of her world any longer. She can make that choice. I can make that choice.

So, when I am asked by those naysayers and scoffers and those that do not understand, “So, what is your name today?” I say, “Whatever the hell I choose!”