Message to My Inner 10 Year Old Girl

05 Feb 2015 8 Comments

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , ,

I just couldn’t figure out why the VOElla Poetry Challenge became so important to me. I hate contests, but this poetry contest became a symbol for me.

When I was a young girl, I was considered a child prodigy in piano. I was put in the National Piano Guild Contest against college students, and was ranked in the top 2% at 10. From there, I was offered a scholarship to the University music program and a chance to go to Juilliard. My parents both said no and lectured me about how I was not good enough and would never be good enough and to get used to being let down. So, I believed them – they were my parents, after all.

This poetry contest became the National Piano Guild all over again. It became my chance to tell that little 10 year old girl, once and for all, that she was good enough then and she still is good enough.

I sit here writing this, not knowing the results yet. I do not know which way it will go tonight. What I do know is that I did the very best I could do, and regardless, Dammit! I am good enough, and so is that 10 year old girl.

So, winning is not about what everyone else sees. Winning this is about loving that 10 year old that was hurt so bad back then, and telling her she is more than good enough.

What is This All About, Anyway?

18 Sep 2014 6 Comments

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , ,

No music today! What? Well, I wanted to take a little different focus with my readers today.

I have reached 100 followers on this blog, and I would love to be able to connect with more. But a lot of people may not realize what Dancing Naked is all about, so I am taking this morning to offer why Dancing Naked is here.

A few years ago, one of my good friends loaned me a book that got me thinking about my own life. The book? Dancing Naked at the Edge of Dawn by Kris Radish. I provided the link so you could get the book yourself. I highly recommend it. I won’t give away the story here, but suffice it to say that Kris opened something inside of me with her book and the story that made me realize I had lived a pretty fearful life.

Quite a few years ago, another friend who is an amazing photographer and artist called her studio Dancing Barefoot Photography. Add that to Kris Radish’s book, and visions of dancing free from constraints of my own making or from my own reactions to my external and internal forces starting building.

Now, being the ever fearful and cautious woman I have always been, I searched for a way to articulate my own inner feelings of discovery without giving away too much or seeming like a whiny, middle aged woman needing to garner sympathy and throw an ever going pity party.

Blogging seemed like a great idea, so the title of a blog and the format became a focus. I knew I wanted to invoke the word “Dancing,” but I was in no space to borrow from the hint of unbridled joy invoked by the word. After many phrases and titles, the only one that really seemed to fit what I wanted to create was “Dancing Naked.”

The title conveyed exactly what I wanted to share, but, me being me, I had to make sure there was no trademark on the phrase. I found one filed for a wine, but it was abandoned. Crossing my fingers and stepping out there, Dancing Naked was born October 6, 2010.

Posting was very intermittent, but going back and reading some of my earlier posts, I can see how far I have grown. Those that know me know that I have been in the process of changing my name for four years because of some very personal reasons. And as I have grown, that name has changed some. In fact, one of the earlier names still remains on my page.

But through it all, I have attempted to be open and honest with my readers. I have tried to take my readers with me on this journey. The past few years have brought some of the most difficult lessons, and up until last year, there was very little blogging done.

Last year, I started a series of daily blogs taking random songs from my playlist and writing my impressions. That proved to be the greatest challenge and awakening process. And now, I find myself going back to the music format, but needing to move forward.

So, I will take this moment to dance naked a little here. Ready? In October, I had a very large cyst/tumor removed from the base of my skull that was causing blurred vision, headaches, and dizziness. It was benign, thank the Goddess! But that opened my voice. I released what I felt was a giant yoke around my neck keeping me from speaking my truth – my real truth.

In May, I was diagnosed as a diabetic. Damn! Didn’t see that one coming. My beautiful new doctor made sure to impress upon me that is was due to extreme stress. So, a drastic diet change, the addition of pharmaceuticals, and amping up my meditation practice entered my life. In June, I was scheduled for a total right knee replacement since my knee was gone. That happened in July.

And now? Well, eight weeks later, I am moving and doing great! No more neck issues, my blood sugar is controlled, and I have a new knee! I still have some pain and limited mobility, but rehab has taught me a lot about myself. Mainly that I have been stuck in fear of doing the wrong thing for so long that I was missing out on a lot of joy and passion in my life. I was the need to step out of my ego and pride and move forward in my life with my passion.

My passion? Writing! Painting! Creating! So, here you and I are at this very moment in time together. Dancing Naked is my baby where I share my journey with you! Sometimes, it’s not very pretty, but it is honest, raw, and my truth! I would love to add more readers and share with more in the hopes that we can all find our way in the world to grow and feel free to Dance Naked once in a while.

How Long? (Warning: this is Dancing Naked!)

17 Sep 2014 3 Comments

by Camille in All About Me Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Today’s Music Muse – How Long by Matchbox Twenty

Link with lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/matchbox20/howlong.html

When love hits, it can hit hard! Regardless if it’s a new love or old love. There we are, just living life, and then, BAM! It hits!

If you don’t grab it and hold on, it could just pass you by. The feeling of wondering if it’s right or wrong can get so overwhelming that we just wait. Why? Let’s look at this.

What does the perfect love look like to you? Is it heart stopping, breath taking, palm sweating, fire in the belly romance or is it that comfortable feeling of someone who just gets you? Sitting together – sipping tea, coffee, wine, whatever – no words spoken. Just hand holding, looking at each other, enjoying just the feel of being. Why can’t it be both?

For me? I am greedy – I admit that I want both! I want that heart stopping, breath taking, palm sweating, fire in the belly romance with that special someone who just gets me. I want romance, soft touches, quiet words, loving glances, hand holding, just being together … and I want fire, passion, tear my clothes off, throw me down, and … well, you get the picture.

This is the deal – if you don’t have both, you’re missing out on the greatest human experience. We are sensual creatures made to enjoy the sensual side of life, but we are also nesters needing that deep soul connection to another.

Being raised in an era that frowned on the pleasure of sex and the sensual feelings, I grew up believing that it was wrong to experience the yearning of the physical desire for another. It was wrong to need that part of the human connection, unless you wanted to make babies. Especially as a girl!

I remember the first “talk” I had with my mother. Sex was not for enjoyment, but necessary to do my duty with my husband. If I enjoyed it, I was a slut. It was dirty, and not ladylike at all. But, if I wanted to keep my husband happy, then the best I could do was sit back, close my eyes, and wait until it was over. And, I had to remain a virgin until I married.

I remember watching “those girls” in high school and hearing them talk of their conquests in the same way the guys talked of theirs. And I also remember the tales and talk about “those girls” that could destroy a girl’s reputation in one second flat. I remember thinking then that if it was so wrong, why was it that the boys could enjoy it. Why weren’t they labeled the same as “those girls” and seen at outcasts?

Those thoughts, of course, were put away. I fell in love, married, and did my “wifely duty” as I had been taught. When my young and very handsome husband even suggested something out of the missionary position, I was aghast and appalled that he would even think of asking me to do something everyone knew only “those girls” did. After a while he stopped asking, and our sex life fell into a routine that held very little pleasure for me – even though, I pretended.

As I have grown older and become more aware of myself and my own sensual nature, I have found myself opening more. I realize and have become enlightened to the pleasure, sensual nature of the physical connection between two people. The more I have given into my sensual side and the desire to explore, the more I acknowledge my own beauty. I now know that I am beautiful and sensual, and yes, sexy. I am a sensual being made to experience pleasure and enjoyment.

My husband? Well, we are still together, and sometimes I wonder if he is ready for the new me. After waiting so long for me to awaken, I see him sometimes with a look of confusion on his face. But I suspect that he rather likes the new me, and this love we have?

Well, he still gets me and we still sit together holding hands, sipping whatever it is we drink, but I have grabbed onto the heart stopping, breath taking, palm sweating, fire in the belly romance, tear my clothes off, throw me down love! Yep, even now!

Whatever the Hell I Choose!

16 May 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

DSCN1830

 

Music Muse – Into the Fire by Sarah McLachlan

Link to Music/Lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sarahmclachlan/intothefire.html

I started changing – evolving – finding myself – about 6 years ago. One of the changes I knew that needed to change was my name. So many attachments and fears were attached to that old name, but back then I was unsure how that change would take place. After a few years of this name and that name and trying out how each felt, one appeared in my mind that, at that time, seemed perfect. But in the last three years, even that changed.

What I discovered is that as I opened myself to all of the possibilities and all of the personalities of my selfness, so did the way I accepted myself.  I am a firm believer that words, especially names, have great power.

As I listened to today’s music, Into the Fire, images were conjured of my struggles since the decision to change my name and the fire that has become a part of my being – burning away the old dross and purifying the new to embody what I had always held so deep within but kept buried in the camouflage of my masks.

Once I had accepted my new beingness and thought the name that had attached itself was set, BAM! Another change! So, I have come to this place of knowingness that comes from a deep longing and soul searching.

I have leapt into the fire. I feed the fire. I return to the beginning and those words that were spoken to me so long ago by parents that did not understand how powerful words are.

There is no compromise any longer – no acceptance of what others say I should be. I may still carry some of those old fears attached to my original name, but I have rested in the cleansing waters of the Mother. Those old fears? Now I lovingly embrace them because that little girl I left behind still needs to be held and comforted. She still is afraid of rejection and abandonment.

Abandonment. Ah, that’s the word that causes her to stir. But, as I take on all that my newness brings, there is a quiet strength that brings her comfort. Words that quiet her flames tell her that she is beautiful and even if those around her who do not appreciate her completeness and scoff at her struggle to find that piece of her that was lost so very long ago, she is perfect and whole. She is not broken – she is whole, lovable, and valuable. For those that cannot see that? They are not a part of her world any longer. She can make that choice. I can make that choice.

So, when I am asked by those naysayers and scoffers and those that do not understand, “So, what is your name today?” I say, “Whatever the hell I choose!”

Reborn and Renee

14 Apr 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , ,

Music of the Day – Chasing You by Capital Cities

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/capitalcities/chasingyou.html

Ever feel like a hamster on a wheel running and running to nowhere in particular, and yet, you keep running and chasing. Today’s music is absolutely perfect for what I am releasing in my life, and I want to share with you, my readers, just how important the lyrics to this song are.

I almost don’t need to add anything here, but, you know me, I will.

I have spent my life chasing “something,” did not know what, but “something.” I have always had the feeling that what I was seeking was just out of my reach, and just as I reached that “something,” it was snatched out of my reach once again. That is until this year. Up to now, the chase was the “something.” I just didn’t realize it.

Today, I am here to tell you that the “something” was grabbed a few months ago and the chase is over. Now it is the dance with the “something” that is important. What is the “something?” ME!

Yep, I have been chasing me! I was there all along, came out in my Sunday best, and ran again just as I thought I had found me. I was stuck in a loop, on a wheel, thinking that I was broken and needed fixing. Always looking outside of myself for someone or “something” to fix it.

And … I am not broken, I do not need fixing, I am me! In my Amazingness, in my Awesomeness, in my Vulnerability, in my Anger, in my Love, in my Joy, in my Desires, in my Passions. In Me! I stand now full of myself and my being – not accepting compromise, not accepting any judgment, not accepting any talk or thoughts that would attempt to take me away from me.

So, I say to my readers, and to the family and friends that wonder all about why I have so latched on to the change of names over the years. The old is buried with love for all that she taught me, the new is here, reborn and Renee!

A Brand New Me!

28 Mar 2014 2 Comments

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , , ,

Song of the Day – Brand New Me by Alicia Keys

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/aliciakeys/brandnewme.html

I admit that this was not the first song that my playlist played when I hit shuffle. The first song was about a love relationship that was broken and not fixable – something I have considered as of late. But, frankly, that song, while there were parts that spoke to me, was just way too personal and deep for me today. Not because I don’t want to look at the deeper meaning, but it just didn’t seem right. So, I closed my eyes, and hit shuffle again. Here it is! Brand New Me by Alicia Keys – just right!

So, there is a little soul baring here today. This song by Alicia Keys spoke so deeply and so profoundly to me that I just had to share what I felt in a huge and raw way. I have a story to tell today that I hope you will take the time to understand and just be with.

I married at a very young age – just out of high school. I went from being a teenage student ready to live and have fun to being a married woman not sure where her place was or even how to do this thing. I loved my man so much and had only known him for a short time, but somehow I just knew it was right. He was only 20 and I was 18, and I don’t think he knew what to do with this woman/girl who, unbeknownst to him, had an immense about of baggage yet to be discovered. And so, we married and set up house.

During the majority of our marriage up until the last few years, I held onto the old beliefs of what a wife was supposed to be – putting her man first, then her children, then herself last. And so I built my life around my family believing that I was doing what I was supposed to do. Oh, I had dreams, but those dreams were supposed to go on the back burner, right?

When my daughters were young, I became very ill, and during this illness, I remembered through a lot of painful parts of my childhood that were traumatic. I was honest with my husband and talked about it, and through his strength and love, was able to work through it. But that was only the beginning. Fast forward to a few years ago …

I have been subject to night terrors as long as I can remember, and one night, another huge piece of my childhood raised its ugly head. It was something that I had suspected, but had never faced full on. Again, through my husband’s strength and love, I was able to talk about it – somewhat. And yet, there was still so much missing from my memories. Until this past year …

Flashbacks and memories came flooding in one night while my man was away. It was a traumatic night and one that took me into one of the darkest nights of my soul I had ever experienced and I relived every ugly moment. Going through it brought a tremendous change – one that has changed me forever and created a “Brand New Me!” This change has also validated the necessity of my name change – something about which I have worked for several years, but not really realizing the exact reasons.

And now, here is this new me embracing all the pieces of me that have been fragmented and scattered for so long. With this new me, I am discovering parts of myself that I never knew existed. I have broken through the old patterns of thoughts and beliefs and have fully embraced me. This is also the scary part, because no longer are the old patterns serving me and no longer do I wish to make them part of myself. The actions that once I believed to be selfish I now realize are self-care and self-validating.

To say that my husband often feels confused is an understatement. Even though he says he loves this new me, I suspect that, at times, he is scared of who I am. I have always been strong, but there is a power in me now that demands to be set free. In building my life around him and my children, I left pieces of me buried – old dreams and passions. Those old dreams and passions are being raised from the dead, so to speak, to become actuated in my life here and now!

There are times when I wish I had learned this when I was younger, and there are times when I feel just a little regret for what I perceive, just for that moment, the wasted time. But, I am young still, and I am determined to experience life just as I dreamed. I know I have changed, and I know that my husband and daughters don’t quite know what to make of me sometimes, but I know that to trivialize this new me is to deprive my soul-spirit of love and joy.

I do not wish to become the bitter old woman who regrets not doing those things she desired. No, I desire to become the whole and complete woman – strong, powerful, full of joy and life! And this I share with you, my readers – my life as Renee is joyful, juicy, and bodacious, with no regrets and no apologies!

To my family and old friends that are confused and don’t know what to make of me, I leave you with the lines of this song:

I don’t need your opinion
I’m not waiting for your “OK”
I’ll never be perfect,
But at least now I’m brave
I know my heart is open
I can finally breathe
Don’t be mad
It’s just a brand new kinda free
That ain’t bad
I found a brand new kinda me
Don’t be mad
It’s a brand new time for me

It is my desire to experience this with you, but it is your choice. Know this – I love me and in loving me, I can, finally, truly love you!

 

From the Ocean

17 Mar 2014 2 Comments

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , ,

Music of the Day – K’ai – Song of the Mermaid by Lisa Dancing Light

Link – https://play.spotify.com/artist/3BkSz15mFjDJYKI6YzOhTi

yemaya2

I am of the ocean – a child of Yamaya – a child of the water.  As a child of the ocean and woman of the water, I sing my song today to those women before and those after who stand in their strength.

For the ocean is movable, strong, and powerful and yet invokes tenderness and love and nurturing.  For it is of the water we are created, gestated, born and it is through water that we realize our tenderness and power.

From the ocean, we move.  From the ocean, we stretch and move into what we are to become – in our fullness, our truth, our power.  It is the waves of Momma Ocean that carry us to where we become – Our Selves.

 

You Can Call Me Renee!

10 Feb 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Music Muse of the day – Adia by Sarah McLachlan

Link with lyrics:  http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sarahmclachlan/adia.html

YouTube link with lyrics:  http://youtu.be/Y0nwxDl_h1o

Who the hell is Adia?  Well, that depends on the person.  I will tell you here and now, for me, Adia is that woman I  left behind that was full of self-hate, self-doubt, insecurities, and questioning every part of who she was.  Adia is my old self – Terri.

Even as I write this, tears come to my eyes with grief for her because she was, as the song says, born innocent, but through actions of people she trusted, lost that innocence and became filled with her own stories of being broken and damaged.  And try as hard as I could, I just could not break free of those old thought patterns and triggers to old belief systems.  So, I did what I was lead to do – change my name, taking on an entirely new meaning.

Words have power as do names.  In some aboriginal cultures and in ancient cultures, humans went through several name changes in their lives because it was recognized that names have meanings and lives change.  When an infant was born, a name was given that embodied the hopes of the parents of what that child would become.  When the child turned to the age of reasoning between 7 and 10 years old, there was another naming ceremony in which a name was given the embodied the child and her being.  At the age of 13, the age of menses and entrance into womanhood, her name would change again relating her truth of the woman she was becoming.  Often she would retain that name until she felt a change was necessary, but at the age of becoming an Elderwoman, a change was once again enacted that told the story of who she had been and telling of her wisdom.

My birth name meaning was harvester of chaos – and my life truly spoke of that truth.   My name now is Renee – reborn!  I have added another piece of my Beingness in taking on a second name, Camille.  Why?  Because Camille Renee is Wild Woman Reborn!  I am living my truth – wild, free, being a woman who is learning to love herself as she is with all perceived flaws and imperfections.  Saying this brings the realization that there are no flaws or imperfections – we are all born perfect in our Selves, and that is the beauty of this process.

The last stanza of this song says it all and speaks of what my heart song is and explains why I am so adamant about changing names – bringing my truth into my life in a way that completely embodies who I am.  In doing so, I have set Terri free and am truly Dancing Naked in my truth and Beingness.

Adia I thought we could make it
but I know I can’t change the way you feel
I leave you with your misery
a friend who won’t betray
I pull you from your tower
I take away your pain
and show you all the beauty you possess
if you’d only let yourself believe that
we are born innocent
believe me Adia, we are still innocent
it’s easy, we all falter, does it matter?
believe me Adia, we are still innocent
’cause we are born innocent
Adia we are still
it’s easy, we all falter … but does it matter?

We all falter, and it doesn’t matter.  We have the power to become who we truly wish to be – not who we were told we should be.  Take it on!  You don’t have to change your name, but you do have to change your way of thinking.  A name change is how I knew I needed to make changes.  So for those who ask me, “What are you calling yourself these days?” – I say, “Whoever I want to be!”  Today, I am Camille Renee – but you can call me Renee!  She is here to stay!

Renee