Dancing Naked

Happy Mother’s Day to all Women!  It is important for all women to remember regardless of where you are in your life that you are specifically empowered to give life – not only to little representative humans of your self, but to new ideas, lives, new creations of all forms.

As I awoke yesterday, the yearly ritual of honoring Motherhood stuck in my mind.  Once a year, we honor our Mothers.  Some would say we should do this daily, which is true, but the yearly ritual is here.  I have thought a lot about my own mother this weekend.  Shirley Lorraine Harper Brock left this physical world to enter the next life April 4, 2008.  She and I had been estranged for much of my adult life, making amends here and there through out the years.  But the last month of her life, she and I put everything aside and bonded again as Mother and Child.  Thinking about that now brings bittersweet memories.  It is just those memories that I wish to pass on here – not as a cathartic release, but because she came to me with her wisdom.

Yes, I understand that she is with me in spirit and living in her next life – either preparing to reincarnate or merely taking a breather.  Her life this last time around was a very hard life.  She signed a painful contract with many lessons for her to master.  There are times that I wonder if my own life is mirroring hers.  I never realized just how difficult her life truly was until the last two weeks of our time together, but that’s another story.  This isn’t about her life, but about reconnecting to her.

When I look at my own daughters, I look upon them with tremendous pride for the women they have become.  She did the same with me – I just didn’t realize it.  I was too busy trying not to be like her that I tended to focus on what I perceived as her faults instead of the beauty of her wisdom.  Now, without her physical presence in my life, I see her quirky little winks and hear her try to pass on wisdom that she had gained.  I saw it as something entirely different.  I saw it as being intrusive and though often, “Nothing I ever do is good enough for her!”  Sound familiar?

As I came into adulthood and starting raising my own children, I tried so hard to be the “Big Girl.”  When I would talk to my mom, it wasn’t to share, it was to prove to her how grown up I was.  When she would listen and give me her feedback, I saw it as her telling me what to do and that nothing I ever did would ever be “good enough.”  Now, as I have conversations with my own daughters listening to them talk about their lives and what is going on, I try to share some tidbit of what I perceive as my own wisdom.  Not to tell them how to “run their lives,” but to share with them some experience I have had.  You see, we mothers want to protect our children from pain and harm even though we know that you must live your own life, make your own choices, and live with the effects of those choices.  My intention is not to tell my daughters what to do, but to share some of my experiences in living so that I may perhaps in some small way give them insight on choices they can make to create a smoother path.  I see myself in them as they bristle at my words.  I hear the words, “Why does she always have to tell me what to do? ”  I also see them as I look back and see myself with my own mom trying to so hard to be the big grown up adult and prove just how grown up they truly are.  Yes, they are phenomenal women and have nothing to prove to me.  Quite the contrary – I see them and stand tall with pride at how wise and strong they are.

And, now I know that’s exactly how my own mother felt about me.  I see her now looking at me with my own children and life with pride and a love that surpasses all.  She tried to tell me in her own way, but I just wasn’t listening – too busy trying to prove myself to her.  In those last few weeks that I had with her, we truly shared and I listened.  We had such healing between us – we became true Mother and Daughter.

When my eldest daughter asked what I wanted to do for Mother’s Day, I said I didn’t know.  But, here is my heart wish for Mother’s Day.  And this is what I pass to all of you as you honor your own Mother today.  Cards, flowers, gifts, a meal together are nice.  But here is what I would do for my own mom were she here physically here today.  I would pick her up and take her to the beach or a lake with a picnic just for us.  I would have a lovely beach chair that allowed her to sit on the ground and support her back – important for my mom.  After a lovely lunch, we would sit and talk.  I would ask her about her dreams and visions of what her life would have looked like had there been no obstacles and she could have done anything she wanted in the world.  Then I would lay my head in her lap as I did when I was a little girl.  She would stroke my hair and talk about those things she desired for me.  And I would really listen to her wisdom with nothing to prove.  That would be my gift to her.

As you honor your own Mother today, remember that she loves you beyond words.  And she is proud of the adult you have become – no matter what!  Take the time to listen to your mom’s dreams and visions.  You have nothing to prove.  And yes, you will always be her little girl or boy – enjoy that feeling.  We all need to feed that little child within and there is no one better than your own Mother.

And so today, in honor of my mom and what she wanted when I was first born that was denied her, I sign my name with her choice for me.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

Diana Renee