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Simply Am

17 Apr 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: broken, courtney a walsh, dancing naked, fixing, Healing, human, love, self value, self worth

Music of the Day – If I Knew by Bruno Mars

Link to the music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/brunomars/ifiknew.html

This past week the message has been about knowing that we are not born broken and that we do not need fixing. This is an old paradigm that was taught to us from the beginning of the god of control, not the god of love. And it is an old paradigm that needs ending to move into one that acknowledges all parts of our selves – even those that were brainwashed into our heads that we are not whole.

Courtney A. Walsh, a writer I greatly respect, posts a lot of wisdom on her Facebook page about this subject, and I have to attribute the following image to her.

This particular song conveys a message of regret for things done in the past, but for me it speaks volumes of letting the past go. Know that in each given moment of time, we are always exactly where we are to be, learning and experiencing exactly what we are. Sometimes, it is so painful that it feels as if the very heart and soul are being ripped open, but it is through the ripping open that we can embrace ourselves and experience. The healing that spews forth from that heart space and from letting go of past judgments and whatifs, is what we create ourselves.

I compare healing not to fixing anymore, but to embracing all the stuff and making it my own. The judgment of good and bad should not even be a part of my consciousness since there is nothing broken or needing fixing. Instead, experiencing even the pain and loss – the hurt is part of our experience here.

I do not have any unequivocal answers to all of this, and there are days that I have very little wisdom. But on those days that I hold wisdom? Those are the days that I embrace each and every part of me. Those are the days that I allow myself to be whatever or whomever I am that day. These are the days that I simply am!

Reborn and Renee

14 Apr 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: chasing you, dancing naked, joy, love, power, reborn, Renee

Music of the Day – Chasing You by Capital Cities

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/capitalcities/chasingyou.html

Ever feel like a hamster on a wheel running and running to nowhere in particular, and yet, you keep running and chasing. Today’s music is absolutely perfect for what I am releasing in my life, and I want to share with you, my readers, just how important the lyrics to this song are.

I almost don’t need to add anything here, but, you know me, I will.

I have spent my life chasing “something,” did not know what, but “something.” I have always had the feeling that what I was seeking was just out of my reach, and just as I reached that “something,” it was snatched out of my reach once again. That is until this year. Up to now, the chase was the “something.” I just didn’t realize it.

Today, I am here to tell you that the “something” was grabbed a few months ago and the chase is over. Now it is the dance with the “something” that is important. What is the “something?” ME!

Yep, I have been chasing me! I was there all along, came out in my Sunday best, and ran again just as I thought I had found me. I was stuck in a loop, on a wheel, thinking that I was broken and needed fixing. Always looking outside of myself for someone or “something” to fix it.

And … I am not broken, I do not need fixing, I am me! In my Amazingness, in my Awesomeness, in my Vulnerability, in my Anger, in my Love, in my Joy, in my Desires, in my Passions. In Me! I stand now full of myself and my being – not accepting compromise, not accepting any judgment, not accepting any talk or thoughts that would attempt to take me away from me.

So, I say to my readers, and to the family and friends that wonder all about why I have so latched on to the change of names over the years. The old is buried with love for all that she taught me, the new is here, reborn and Renee!

The Second Time Around

08 Apr 2014 2 Comments

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: dancing naked, love, love/lust magic, lust, magic, relationships, slow dancing in a burning room

Music for the Day – Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/johnmayer/slowdancinginaburningroom.html

So many times, especially in long term relationships, we hide behind what we thought we should be. We hide behind the fake smiles and fake laughs and fake faces when we know that connection is lost and love is hard to find. Is there a time when two people who love deep just stop?

Love, real love, is a choice. That first meet, early play feeling that we call love is just a chemical reaction, but oh, how that early love can draw us in and create the illusion of lasting chosen love. Yeah, we all have heard it before – love takes work. And, yes, it does! But that chemical reaction is so important to creating the desire to choose love.

Relationships are hard and without the kick ass, body shaking, heart stopping love/lust magic, it makes it harder. Seriously, why choose to stay in love if there is no chemical reaction or reason to stay in love.

Here is the reality of the whole thing. If the magic is gone, and both realize it, then decisions have to be made. Do you stay as is, or do you move on? Can you stay as is? That is probably the hardest question to answer. If the answer is yes, you stay, then you are already prepared for the work ahead.

Just as in the song, honest, raw emotions and feelings have to be shared. Turning to each other to share, really share, inner deep thoughts and heart wrenching words is what may be the deciding factor.

Instead of slow dancing, how about picking up the beat a little? If the choice is to stay in love, then I say, instead of recreating what is broken just to keep the slow dance going when the room is on fire, start over with each other. Start that process all over and fall in love/lust magic all over again. Leave behind the old memories of what blocked the magic. If necessary, write down all those things that got in the way and burn it! Get rid of it! Start over.

Create a new first date and create the new thrill of love/lust magic. Do some sexting with each other during the day. Create some excitement. And don’t let anyone get in the way of creating a new relationship – a new love.

I’m here to tell you – it’s better the second time around!

Did You Water the Grass?

01 Apr 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: commitment, Faded Away by Luke Bryan, green grass, love, partnerships, relationships

Music of the Day – Faded Away by Luke Bryan

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/lukebryan/fadedaway.html

Sometimes, in a relationship, especially a long term relationship, looking back at the very beginning brings memories flooding in about how it used to be. Two people meet, a spark ignites, and that most amazing chemical reaction occurs. Suddenly, it is as if there is no one else in the world, and the two become so focused on each other that nothing else seems to matter.

If the couple is lucky and decides to fall in love, then the partnership becomes about two people creating a life together navigating the sea of emotions that inevitably occur. Working through those emotions together can be ecstasy or agony, depending on the level of communication and dedication with and to each other. If the couple stay together, a partnership ensues, and hopefully, that partnership is a real commitment in which both work together.

Life then takes a very different turn, and events happen. Work commitments, family commitments, and life commitments can sometimes get in the way of continuing the first spark that brought the two together. If the couple remain dedicated and committed to each other, eventually, the partnership goes through a time of stasis. Nothing is particularly wrong, but neither is anything right. Both become complacent with each other and those little things that created the first spark fall by the wayside. At this point, the partnership becomes just two people sharing space together, and the way it used to be becomes a point of nostalgia and wondering if there is anything better out there. Is the grass greener?

This seems to be the pattern with baby boomer relationships and people in my generation. We fell in love, married, had a family, raised our family, and now the children are grown with their own families. The two are left wondering if that is all there is and if there could be more.
Ah, this is where the pivotal moment arrives. If both are feeling the disconnect, then separation may be the only answer; however, if only one feels the detachment, the other may want to fight. It is the fight that can bring the greatest reconnect. Remembering back to those moments of that first kiss, that first glance, that first embrace, and the first time together can bring those old feelings back. Then the question must be asked – is it worth trying again? Is it worth the work? Can our grass be saved? Will watering and fertilizer save it? The answer is not found quickly and must be reflected and asked many times.

If the answer is a “Yes!” then making the intent to fall in love again is the most amazing and fun way to re-kindle that old spark into a flame. Water and feed that grass! Taking the time to do those little things that feed a relationship – the touch of the hand; sending an “I’m thinking of you” text; turning off the television, computer, phone, etc. and really looking at the partner; taking the time to listen; taking the time to just being together – it is those things that become the catalyst for a new relationship.

Once the decision is made to stay together, take the time together to list old patterns that just did not work and came between the loving relationship. Making the commitment of refusing to fall back into old patterns is key to maintaining the newness just as committing to engage in new ways of keeping the love going. Rediscover each other and create new moments together. Relish these moments together because they are fleeting and fade away if not allowed to become a new history together.

Falling in love is a chemical reaction, but staying in love is a decision. Staying in love is a hard decision and hard work, and believe me, it is not for the faint of heart. Leaving is the easiest way to go, but it may not be the best for the people involved. Parting may be the best way depending on the couple, and it certainly is nothing over which to feel guilt, but if staying is what is decided, then a real effort and commitment is necessary to make it work. Communication is critical, and letting the other partner know what hurts or hinders the partnership is the most important act in which two people can engage.

What happens if the other just is not desiring to continue? That is a decision that must be made by both, and it is a decision that is very personal and never should be judged. But if both want to put in the effort, the rewards are incredible. There is a newness in love, and the couple can fall in love all over again, but this time, it is a decided effort in which both are committed to work and not just leave to chance. In the end, it is worth the effort, because there may not be better out there. There is a saying, “The grass is not always greener on the other side. The grass on this side is green because I fed and watered it.” Have you watered your grass today?

A Brand New Me!

28 Mar 2014 2 Comments

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: A Brand New Me, bodacious, brave, courage, dancing naked, empowerment, love, Renee

Song of the Day – Brand New Me by Alicia Keys

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/aliciakeys/brandnewme.html

I admit that this was not the first song that my playlist played when I hit shuffle. The first song was about a love relationship that was broken and not fixable – something I have considered as of late. But, frankly, that song, while there were parts that spoke to me, was just way too personal and deep for me today. Not because I don’t want to look at the deeper meaning, but it just didn’t seem right. So, I closed my eyes, and hit shuffle again. Here it is! Brand New Me by Alicia Keys – just right!

So, there is a little soul baring here today. This song by Alicia Keys spoke so deeply and so profoundly to me that I just had to share what I felt in a huge and raw way. I have a story to tell today that I hope you will take the time to understand and just be with.

I married at a very young age – just out of high school. I went from being a teenage student ready to live and have fun to being a married woman not sure where her place was or even how to do this thing. I loved my man so much and had only known him for a short time, but somehow I just knew it was right. He was only 20 and I was 18, and I don’t think he knew what to do with this woman/girl who, unbeknownst to him, had an immense about of baggage yet to be discovered. And so, we married and set up house.

During the majority of our marriage up until the last few years, I held onto the old beliefs of what a wife was supposed to be – putting her man first, then her children, then herself last. And so I built my life around my family believing that I was doing what I was supposed to do. Oh, I had dreams, but those dreams were supposed to go on the back burner, right?

When my daughters were young, I became very ill, and during this illness, I remembered through a lot of painful parts of my childhood that were traumatic. I was honest with my husband and talked about it, and through his strength and love, was able to work through it. But that was only the beginning. Fast forward to a few years ago …

I have been subject to night terrors as long as I can remember, and one night, another huge piece of my childhood raised its ugly head. It was something that I had suspected, but had never faced full on. Again, through my husband’s strength and love, I was able to talk about it – somewhat. And yet, there was still so much missing from my memories. Until this past year …

Flashbacks and memories came flooding in one night while my man was away. It was a traumatic night and one that took me into one of the darkest nights of my soul I had ever experienced and I relived every ugly moment. Going through it brought a tremendous change – one that has changed me forever and created a “Brand New Me!” This change has also validated the necessity of my name change – something about which I have worked for several years, but not really realizing the exact reasons.

And now, here is this new me embracing all the pieces of me that have been fragmented and scattered for so long. With this new me, I am discovering parts of myself that I never knew existed. I have broken through the old patterns of thoughts and beliefs and have fully embraced me. This is also the scary part, because no longer are the old patterns serving me and no longer do I wish to make them part of myself. The actions that once I believed to be selfish I now realize are self-care and self-validating.

To say that my husband often feels confused is an understatement. Even though he says he loves this new me, I suspect that, at times, he is scared of who I am. I have always been strong, but there is a power in me now that demands to be set free. In building my life around him and my children, I left pieces of me buried – old dreams and passions. Those old dreams and passions are being raised from the dead, so to speak, to become actuated in my life here and now!

There are times when I wish I had learned this when I was younger, and there are times when I feel just a little regret for what I perceive, just for that moment, the wasted time. But, I am young still, and I am determined to experience life just as I dreamed. I know I have changed, and I know that my husband and daughters don’t quite know what to make of me sometimes, but I know that to trivialize this new me is to deprive my soul-spirit of love and joy.

I do not wish to become the bitter old woman who regrets not doing those things she desired. No, I desire to become the whole and complete woman – strong, powerful, full of joy and life! And this I share with you, my readers – my life as Renee is joyful, juicy, and bodacious, with no regrets and no apologies!

To my family and old friends that are confused and don’t know what to make of me, I leave you with the lines of this song:

I don’t need your opinion
I’m not waiting for your “OK”
I’ll never be perfect,
But at least now I’m brave
I know my heart is open
I can finally breathe
Don’t be mad
It’s just a brand new kinda free
That ain’t bad
I found a brand new kinda me
Don’t be mad
It’s a brand new time for me

It is my desire to experience this with you, but it is your choice. Know this – I love me and in loving me, I can, finally, truly love you!

Bring on the Rain!

27 Mar 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: dancing naked, kindness, love, nina simone, rain, self love, self-care

Music of the Morning – I Think it’s Going to Rain Today by Nina Simone

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ninasimone/ithinkitsgoingtoraintoday.html

This song has so much in it, and it would be easy to write simply about the evocative lyrics and their meaning. But I think it would be too obvious, and the obvious is rarely what comes to my mind in my writing, especially today.

While there is so much to write concerning how humans treat each other and those that have much less than others, and I am reminded that how we treat others is indicative of how we treat ourselves. I have found that when self-love is lacking, so is love for others. If we cannot love ourselves, then how can we love another? Impossible! And I am talking about real love for ourselves – not just a sound bite or perfunctory type of love – real, honest, raw love!

That is an obvious. Here is the not so obvious. What happens when we take a friendship for granted? Does that mean we take ourselves for granted? Yes, I firmly believe so. Here is why!

Each morning, we get out of bed, shower, dress – whatever our regular routine is. Then we go out the door to work, school, where ever it is we go to. We are the “Scarecrows dressed in the latest styles with frozen faces to keep love away.” We keep our heads down focused on what is coming for the day, not thinking about our own self-care or our own well-being. We take for granted the smallest acts of kindness for ourselves.

Self-care is not always about eating right, exercising, and getting the right amount of sleep, even though that is a big piece. Self-care to me is that quick look in the mirror and a smile at myself, taking the time to take a moment to breathe and appreciate who I am, and taking a moment to acknowledge all those things, events, people – stuff – for which I am so grateful!

When I take the time to do this, I treat my friends and people I care about so much better. I enjoy my day, and when something occurs that threatens to bring the negative thoughts in my life, it is easier to just smile and breathe.

The act of self-care and self-love means that I am in this life to live – not just exist. I want to invite love into my life – not chase it away.

Allowing the rain to fall, cleansing and washing away the surface “dirt” brings a fresh new start and allowing the rain to fall and feeling the newness and immense possibilities of a fresh new start brings me, and I hope you, the joy of life, the joy of love, the joy of friendship, and yes, the joy of loving myself.

I love the sun, but I say today, bring on the rain!

Release It!

11 Mar 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: empowerment, flyby connection, friendships, love, partnerships, real connection, relationships, release, release it, women

Music of the Day – Stand Back by Stevie Nicks

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/stevienicks/standback.html

Words are often so different than actions, aren’t they? And that seems to be the greatest difference between a real connection with someone or ourselves and just a flyby connection. What’s a flyby connection?

Well, let’s talk about that. When we put ourselves in the mix of a friendship or love relationship, we make judgments based on our own experiences and what we see in another. Often the person with whom we desire to connect reminds us of something either known in the past or something we want to know and experience. Rarely is there just a connection based on no judgment.

We decide how much we wish to invest based on those early moments as does the other person. There may be something that is missing at first that creates a need to hold back. We may, or the other person may, say the words, but are the actions there? Does the other person say words of care and should dos and maybes? After saying those words, does she or he get so busy in their lives that they neglect building the friendship or relationship only to say later that they just got so busy they couldn’t find the time? Do you do this as well? This is a flyby connection. There may be something there, but not enough to really connect at a deep level.

This is a time when release of the relationship has to happen. If it just isn’t there, it’s not there! Don’t continue to hold onto something just because there might not be another.

Now, let’s talk about honoring yourself in this. If you are the one holding back, why? What is it that prevents you from truly buying into this? Release it! Oh, we all have our flybys and our acquaintances that are part of our lives, but if it is a real connection you are desiring and you are the one holding back, really look at the reasons. Pick up the rock and look at the underneath that sits in the dirt. What purpose is served here? Look for the purpose! If you can find none, then release and walk away.

On the other hand, if you are the one putting it all in there and the other holds back, ask yourself why you stay? Is there some need that you need to fill? What is your purpose in this as well? Why can’t you let it go? Hope that it will change is nice, but rarely is there a change. If the other person doesn’t feel it, you can’t force it. Release it! If staying is only causing pain, and you just can’t walk away, look at the need for that pain. What service does it give you? Does the other person remind you of someone in your past for which you need closure? If that is the answer, then write about your feelings, talk to someone you trust, explore the reasons, find closure. Then release it!

It is only through actions backing up words are true connections made, regardless of the relationship involved. It is through coming to the table with impeccable words and integrity in the heart that true connections are made. Look at what is not serving you and … Release It!

Resting in Her Arms

05 Mar 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: Divine Feminine, divine mother, embrace, Goddess, love, truth, voice

Music of the Day – O Virridissima Virga – From the CD “Ancient Mother” by Robert Gass & On Wings of Song

Links – Track – http://www.virginmedia.com/music/browse/robert-gass-and-on-wings-of-song/songs/708454

Lyrics and Translation – www.billalves.com/scores/viridissima.pdf‎

Today is a day of quiet reflection, and it is much needed. O Virridissima Virga is an old piece that venerates the virgin mother, but for those of us that honor Goddess spirituality and the Divine Feminine aspect, it is a fitting song that honors the creative feminine – the beauty of feminine – the unconditional love of the purest of mother archetypes.

I feel I must start of by sharing that whenever I am at my most turbulent time energetically, psychically, and in my spirit, my body manifests the energy in the area that governs whatever emotion I am experiencing. Yep, as strange as that may sound to some of my readers (and I acknowledge that I may lose some of you here), I am an empathic soul that feels emotions deeply.

So, I was not surprised when this showed up in my playlist shuffle for the music of the day. There are many energies at play in my life right now and a couple of days ago, the thought in my mind, “I have no voice in my life” manifested in my throat. I starting losing my voice yesterday, and this morning, there is nothing but a whisper available. So, this is a huge reminder to be still, be quiet, and listen.

While the translation takes on a catholic energy, it is the Divine Mother that nourishes and heals. When I need healing and nourishment, I am reminded to rest in Her arms. For Her arms are my arms. My thoughts must be examined and healed to manifest my heart’s desire. But more than anything, it is that touch, caress, embrace of the Mother that heals. And so, I take today to embrace myself, care for myself, listen to myself, and love myself to absolute and complete health.

It is in this that I find my voice once again. It is in Her strength – my inner strength – that my power and trust are once again realized and manifested. So, I dedicate this day to myself. You should try it!

At the Door

03 Mar 2014 2 Comments

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: Anybody Home, emotionally present, love, marriage, partnerships, relationships, Thomas Ian Nicholas

Music for the Day – Anybody Home – Thomas Ian Nicholas

Link to Song (no lyrics today) – https://myspace.com/thomasiannicholas/music/song/anybody-home-67595522-74184386

I guess you get it by now. A lot of the songs on my playlist are about relationships, but not all. This one particular artist is an actor that was on American Pie and is now creating amazing music, like this song. He writes his own music, and his music is awesome.

As I listened to this song, I thought of my own relationship and of all the times in our partnership that one of us just left and shut down for a while leaving the other wondering if it was coming back. There was never a leaving the relationship physically, but emotionally, at times, the light just was not left on. Standing there “at the door” the other was left wondering what would happen. Fortunately, both of us are invested in this partnership – this marriage – that walking away would have been the easiest path.

But, we have been committed to stay – that is sometimes the hardest part of a relationship. Staying when the other has already left at times feels painful and hurtful, but staying proving the commitment tells the other that the heart is still there. Hard? You bet it is! But, in the end, if both are equally committed to make it work, it is worth it. What results is a new found relationship – one in which both are there, not just one.

What happens if one leaves or it just does not work? Then the attempt to stay teaches a valuable lesson and moving forward is the only path to take. For myself, we have both always decided to stay and fight and through the battle and struggle to regain our territory, so to speak, we found a newness that was not present before. That has made it worth it.

For my friends whose relationships have ended or are ending, the love and experiences shared will always be a part of their lives and something that will become a part of who they become. There is no wrong or right in whether you stay or leave. It just is and should never be compared to another. I can only speak for myself and what makes me stay and fight when one of us leaves emotionally. I remember the first time I laid eyes on him and I remember the first time he gave me that smile and that first kiss on the forehead. Yeah, it’s about that!

I Choose Love!

28 Feb 2014 2 Comments

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: being in love, choice, love, marriage, partnerships, relationships, staying together

Music of the Day – Walkaway by The Script

Links – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/script/walkaway.html

http://youtu.be/b31jx08y6To

Let’s talk about relationships – again! I shared yesterday that many of my friends are experiencing relationship issues. Remember?

Today’s music is one of those songs that, although there are some negative words sung, hits right at the reason we stay with someone we love even when things get rough. And, you can bet that they will. Believe me, I understand. I have been married for a long time, and we have had our times of greatness and joy and of disconnect and sadness, and we stayed.

I don’t know why she’s with me
I only brought her trouble since the day she met me
If I was her, by now I would have left me
I would have walked away
But now I’ve broken away
Somehow instead she forgave me
She said a woman’s got to do what she’s got to do

I have heard my partner say this many times, and many times I have wondered why he stays. We have agreed that we are either gluttons for punishment or just do not know any better, but we stay through the mess and through the dirty, nasty times.

I am going to bare my soul here in a way that I haven’t to anyone. But, I want to share with my readers – you! Just in case you are going through the same. There are times when I do not like my partner very much, just as I am sure there are times he feels the same. That very first mind blowing, heart stopping love? That fades in and out as real life issues come up – it’s a fact, guys! But the staying together through the worst times? That is a choice – period. The easiest, believe it or not, is to leave – to walk away. The hardest? Staying!

There are times when I look at my partner and wonder why I stay. And then there are times I look at him, and I see what I fell in love with to start off with. It is those times that get me through the others. It is those times that I realize just how important this relationship is to me.

We’ve been through a lot – he and I. And I have taken him on many journeys just as he has me. They have not always been great, but we’ve stuck together anyway. What have I learned? Well, I’ll share with you here and now.

Even though I may not agree or like what is happening, it is my choice to experience it and learn and grow from it. Buddha teaches us that life is struggles and that there is no bad or good – things just are. The bad and good depends on how we react or respond. Up to now, I have been reacting. I am learning to respond. My partner may not be completely in sync with my path, but I am supported from his heart. I choose to respond to that support.

That is what makes me stay. Granted, sometimes, it might seem easier to go it alone, but in the end, I would miss the guy that makes me laugh, drives me crazy, tells me I’m beautiful (even when I’m not), and loves me without conditions. It is a very rare love that he has for me as is mine for him. Today, I am grateful that he is my partner. Today, I choose love!