empowerment | Dancing Naked

The Liebster Award – I was Nominated! So Cool!

21 Jan 2015 7 Comments

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: acceptance, dance from the heart, dancing naked, Dancing Naked From the Heart, empowerment, gratitude, heart based love, journaliing, Liebster Award, love, self value, self-care

One Lovely Blog Award

I Won!

Yes, I am a Liebster Award nominee! What does that mean? Well, it means that one of my fellow bloggers thought enough about me to nominate my blog for the Liebster Award.

So what is the Liebster Award and what is it doing on my blog? The Liebster Award concept is like a pay it forward kudos to small bloggers. As I was researching this award, I saw that there are several minimum follower numbers going around, but one thing stays the same. A fellow blogger has read my blog and thought enough of me as a writer and my blog to nominate me for this. I have to say that I was more than a little blown over by it. Here’s why.

I believe that I am a good writer. I mean my college instructors always say so and I receive a lot of praise for my writing. But, as it seems with most artists (yes, writers are very much artists), we are our own worst critics. I read so many other people and think, “Wow, they are really good!” And I fall into the trap of they-are-so-much-better-than-I-am mind.

There are times when I am almost too afraid to share what I have written. What if they don’t like it? What if it sounds stupid? What if – what if – what if!

This year I am changing all that, and this award is the impetus for that change. Receiving this from Tess Bartlett at Whisperings of the Mind, the one who nominated me, gave me the courage to say, “Hell, yeah! I’m a writer!” And since Tess was so kind to nominate me, other blogs have invited me to write as a guest blogger. My poetry written under a pen name is being published in February, with royalties, and I have received a writing gig for a lingerie company in Arizona – paid writing gig.

This blog, Dancing Naked, has taken a life of its own since I started it. I didn’t start out very committed to it and wrote sporadically. Last year, I started a five day a week blogging journey in which I played a random song from my music playlist and wrote my emotional response to the song. That journey was painful and ecstatic at the same time. I grew so much because I was forced to really take a look at the deep, dark emotions and fears that were buried inside.

And now, as 2015 has taken hold, my writing is changing – for the better, I think. I have changed the name somewhat to Dancing Naked from the Heart. That is what this blog is all about. Being open, raw, and vulnerable to share my innermost fears and thoughts with my readers, because somewhere in there, we have all felt the same. Somewhere and sometime, we all have wanted to become better, become our true selves, become what we know in our hearts we were meant to be.

As I look at what has happened since 2015 started, I am certain I am on the right path – maybe I should say the write path. I am so honored to be a Liebster Award nominee and to be able to share with my readers a little more of myself. I share what I feel deep inside with the intent that someone somewhere out there feels the same, and maybe, just maybe, I can make some small difference in someone’s life.

Oh, and to Tess! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a part of my own personal growth!

For those bloggers I nominate, here are the rules. Remember, this is a pay it forward award that recognizes smaller blogs and lets the world know they exist. So, here is how the Liebster Award works:

1) Nominate 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers.

2) Acknowledge and link back to the person who nominated you.

3) Answer the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.

4) Share 11 random facts about yourself.

5) Give your nominees 11 questions to answer on their blog when they post about the Liebster Award.

Here are my nominees! I do have a confession. There are a couple that are just over the minimum 200, but they are amazing bloggers and need to be shared. And there is one that is brand new, but he is such a good writer that he deserves to be noted. So here are my nominees. I hope you visit their blogs, read, enjoy, follow, and share! You won’t regret it! I nominate:

Z. Budapest https://zbudapest.wordpress.com/

Wolf Soul https://reflectionsofawolfsoul.wordpress.com/

May https://maydesertflower.wordpress.com/

Jyoti http://jcisnowjs.com/

Emma http://emmawrightsblog.com/

Nam Joti http://spiritualallegory.com/

Jeremy https://jeremymartinson.wordpress.com/

Linda https://ommons.wordpress.com/

K.L. https://secretlydeviant.wordpress.com/

Ruben http://torturedcyclone.blogspot.com

Shae https://shaevere.wordpress.com/

And here are the questions for my nominees –

1) What is the best thing that has ever happened to you?

2) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

3) Why do you write?

4) What makes you sing and dance with joy?

5) What color describes you best and why?

6) What does love mean to you?

7) What is your hidden talent?

8) What is the one thing that few people know about you?

9) What does family mean to you?

10) What stops you from being your best?

11) You were just given one million dollars. What is the first thing you would do?

Tess Bartlett asked these questions of me, and here are my answers:

1) What did you want to be when you were a child?

My strongest desire when I was a little girl was to be a concert pianist first and an award winning writer and artist second.

2) What makes your heart and soul sing?

My heart and soul sings when I create art and poetry. While I love blogging and writing stories, my passion and love are painting and poetry. What especially gives me joy is creating a piece of artwork and writing a poem that evokes the emotions within the painting. I am singing at the top of my lungs with that!

3) What is your favorite topic to write/blog about?

My favorite topic to write about are personal thoughts and wisdom learned through experience in my own life and sharing how I overcame tremendous obstacles to arrive where I am today.

4) If you could do one thing every day until the day you died what would it be?

There is only one thing that hit my mind, and that is write! Whether it is a short story, writing a novel, but most of all writing poetry, I must do this every day of my life.

5) What is your biggest fear?

My biggest fear in my life is not having love! I love with my whole heart, and to not feel that kind of love myself, frankly, terrifies me.

6) How do you overcome fear?

Ah, overcoming fear! Well, the only way I know to overcome a fear is to write about it, and write and write and write. Write about every little deep, dark emotion and thought until it’s all written out of my mind.

7) What does creativity mean to you?

Creativity? I truly believe that each and every moment of our lives are spent creating. Each thought in our mind creates our world outside of us. Being a creative, to me, is also about taking those fears, emotions, and feelings and turning them into art, music, words, or a combination of all three, of some sort of fashion, and sharing it with others.

8) What does home mean to you?

Home is where I feel safe and protected. Home is a place, either physical or not, where my heart feels safe and cared for. I can be by myself or with someone else, but if I’m safe, cared for, and protected, I’m home.

9) If you had to pick one word to describe how you intend to be in 2015 what would it be?

One word for my beingness in 2015? BE!

Yep, just BE. I spend so much time doing this and that, and I forget sometimes to just be. So, while I am creating in 2015, I will BE!

10) If you could travel somewhere tomorrow where would it be, and why?

My dream has always been to travel to France and explore the countryside. I would love to stay in a country chateau and spend the time painting and writing and photographing. That would be heaven!

11) What is your secret talent?

My secret talent? I love to sing. In fact, I sang a lot when I was younger and was considered very good. I have always wanted to have my own band and sing in coffee houses. Oh, I also play the piano, used to play the guitar, and play the Native American flute. So, playing music and singing – not too many know about that.

And last, 11 random facts about myself!

Fact #1 – I sang when I was a teenager with a traveling youth gospel group, Up With People. I even played the guitar and wrote music.

Fact #2 – I was considered a child prodigy at the age of 10 as a pianist and was offered an audition at Julliard. Mom and Dad said no. They just couldn’t see to move to New York if I was accepted.

Fact #3 – I once planned to run away from home to San Francisco when I was 14. My bags were packed and my plans made. Well, somewhat. At least to get to the bus station and buy my ticket.

Fact #4 – I love two flowers, roses – all kinds – and camellias! I love them both and if I could, I would have them all over my house, on every table.

Fact #5 – My dream home is a cottage by the ocean. It has to be on the West Coast high on a cliff overlooking the ocean. And I have to have a path so I can walk down to the ocean – not to swim, but to just sit and look and think and write!

Fact #6 – I sing like I mean it when I’m driving by myself in the car. Yep, I’m that crazy lady you see at stop lights rocking out to a great song. That is one time I have absolutely no inhibitions.

Fact #7 – I love being alone at home. I don’t like being alone so much as I like being able to do what I want and when I want without feeling like I’m neglecting anyone or anything.

Fact #8 – I have always wanted a nose job. Yep, I have a prominent nose, and even though I am not as self-conscious about it as when I was younger, I would have plastic surgery for a slightly smaller nose in a heartbeat.

Fact #9 – I want to have my own band and sing Stevie Nicks covers, and Bonnie Raitt covers, and blues and Nina Simone covers. Hell, I just wanna sing like I’m in my car!

Fact #10 – I love to photograph things and people and would love to spend time doing just that. There is nothing like getting that great shot of a sunset, a person caught in an intimate moment or in pensive thought, an animal being itself, a flower just opening – catching the emotion of something on camera is happiness.

Fact #11 – I am shy by nature, even though it doesn’t seem like it. When I meet someone new or I’m in a crowd of people I don’t know well, I tend to stay back and watch the interactions. I’m really good at reading people, and I tend to navigate to only one or two to which I resonate.

Final Thoughts –

I cannot wait to read what my nominees say about themselves. And I cannot wait to read comments from my readers as well.

To my readers? Thank you! Thank you for staying with me through the years of my journey here and my growth! Thank you for continuing to read what I have to say and liking it!

And most of all – always dance naked from your heart!

Happiness Moments – Dig Deep!

17 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: dancing naked, Elizatebh, empowerment, Gilbert, Happiness, Happiness Jar Project, Happiness Moment, joy jar

When I took on the Happiness Jar Project, I really thought it would be a breeze! And every intention to write daily about it was, as they say, paved with gold!

Day 17 already, and my jar has exactly 16 little notes of happiness in it. I do want to share that this project is not little by any means, and there already have been days that I had to dig deep to find a moment of Happiness. Really deep!

I’ve even had days that I went to bed, looked at the jar, smiled and turned off the light. Screech! So, this is how my mind works.

“I need to find something,” I think.

“Right, and what would you say?” says my little devil on my shoulder.

“Well, there has to be something. It wasn’t a total day missed, right?”

“Uh, huh, sure! Look at what happened! First, you …”

“STOP! Hold on! But, there were good things.” Picture here a massive light bulb going on over my head – a blinding LED light bulb! The bedside light goes on. I get my trusty little note pad with the R on top, grab my pen, tear off a sheet of paper, and …..

Just like that! I write a Happiness Moment! Hah! Take that! Remember that beautiful little mum that showed its head this afternoon when all the other mum plants looked dead. And it was purple! My favorite color! There one moment of Happiness, no matter how small, to write down and put in my Happiness Jar.

And the light goes off, I snuggle into my pillow, breathe a deep sigh, and drift off to dream happy and contented.

And that, my friends is what the Happiness Jar Project is all about. No matter what has happened in one given day, there is always something – even one little something – that brings happiness. Thinking about it and writing it down changes the attitude. Keeps me focused on watching for Happiness Moments.

This chance to write to you guys, my readers, is one of my greatest moments of Happiness. I trust it is one of yours too!

For my Friend, Dr. Z. Budapest

16 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: dancing naked, empowerment, Goddess, goddess spirituality, women, women's mysteries, Z Budapest

Meeting Z. Budapest online has been the greatest gifts I could have received from the Goddess. I have read her books and followed her story, even taught some of my groups using her wisdom. As I move into this year’s Solstice and dark makes way for the light, I am reminded of how much we are loved as women and fellow Goddesses.

Over the vernal equinox, I performed a Shekinah ritual asking Her to open the doors to realize my passion and to be able to offer services to whomever was in need. Since then, doors have opened wide, and Z and I connected through Facebook. So, this is where creation and birthing have taken place.

I am committed to serving Goddess by helping promote Z’s message. Women are hungry – women from all walks of life. They are confused and just realizing how feminism is more than protests and battling the patriarchal society. It is about embracing their beauty, their sacredness, their wonderment of being born woman with the sacred red threads of life from Goddess.

I am determined in the coming year to work hard to get this message out to women everywhere as I work with Z to promote her lifework. Goddess has brought us all together for a reason, and the more I see the fear and anger rising up against women and feminism, the more I know that the message is taking anchor in the core of those women that have led the way.

To this end, using the phenomenon of social media, I have created Z’s Power Team on Facebook. We have over 100 women that have joined in. We will work in partnership together as sisterhood to get the message out to other women about Z’s books and her message. By joining in this Power Team, women can let their voices be heard. The voices that have been held down for so long can now be loud and clear. We, as sisters, joined in the scarlet thread of Goddess womb life, can stand strong with those that have gone before us and enter into the new light from the womb of the Goddess. As we go forward, sisters from all over will join in our voices by helping this cause.

Happiness Jar Project

01 Jan 2015 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: dancing naked, Elizabeth Gilbert, empowerment, Growth, Happiness Jar, Happiness Jar Project, Renee Harper-Vacek

I came across a Facebook post by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, yesterday about her Happiness Jar Project. In it, she wrote about re-introducing her followers and fans to the idea of the project. As a huge fan of Elizabeth Gilbert, and as someone who is always searching for ways to grasp keeping joy and happiness in my life, I was intrigued.

So I searched for others that had participated and the concept. I couldn’t access her website, but I saw for myself how powerful this one little act could be in my life. I am one who, when I discover something like this, I jump in with both feet full on! Being who I am, I posted on Facebook myself for others who wanted to join me in this.

Within just a few minutes, five of some of my good friends said, “I’M IN!” I created a Facebook Group called The Happiness Jar – Jar of Joy and added these five incredible women as members. The intention was to start today, January 1, 2015.

The group is up and running and I have posted my first post with a picture of my own happiness jar. I hope the rest of the women post pictures of theirs as well, but I’m in this. Today, I created a little altar by my bedside as a way to end each evening with a prayer, intention, and remembering that one small thing from the day of whatever brought me happiness that day.

What is so important about this? No matter what kind of day I have had, I know that there has to be something that is a happiness possibility. And by writing this moment, this even, this one thing on a piece of paper and putting in in my jar, I go to bed on a note of happiness and joy! Instead of going to bed focused on what went wrong that day? I go to bed focused on what went right!

As I write this to share on my blog, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and I think Pinterest, I am excited to share yet another journey with my readers here. And I am so blessed that I have found an author, Elizabeth Gilbert, who has become one of my own personal influential people in my life. I do not know her personally, nor have I ever had contact with her, but her insight and her humanness and the way she shares a part of herself with her readers and fans have influenced my own writing.

I am leaving The Happiness Jar – Jar of Joy Facebook Group open until the end of the month so that anyone who wants to join in can. It’s never too late!

The concept? Take a jar to designate as your Happiness Jar. Each evening, write one thing or event that brought you happiness that day and put it in the jar. On those days that just are not that great? Take one out and read it – focus on it – smile and say thank you! At the end of the year, take the time to read each one and see just how far you have come in the year. You could make a collage, paste in a journal, or put them in a box with the year on it for safe keeping. Some families have even made Christmas decorations out of them. I haven’t decided what I will do with them, but it will be something that is meaningful!

I am so looking forward to sharing this journal with you here on Dancing Naked. Feel free to join me on Facebook and share your impressions. I think today’s bit of happiness is being able to write this and share with my friends!

Oh, and here is my Happiness Jar Altar!

What is This All About, Anyway?

18 Sep 2014 6 Comments

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: dancing naked, empowerment, joy, Life, moving forward, Renee

No music today! What? Well, I wanted to take a little different focus with my readers today.

I have reached 100 followers on this blog, and I would love to be able to connect with more. But a lot of people may not realize what Dancing Naked is all about, so I am taking this morning to offer why Dancing Naked is here.

A few years ago, one of my good friends loaned me a book that got me thinking about my own life. The book? Dancing Naked at the Edge of Dawn by Kris Radish. I provided the link so you could get the book yourself. I highly recommend it. I won’t give away the story here, but suffice it to say that Kris opened something inside of me with her book and the story that made me realize I had lived a pretty fearful life.

Quite a few years ago, another friend who is an amazing photographer and artist called her studio Dancing Barefoot Photography. Add that to Kris Radish’s book, and visions of dancing free from constraints of my own making or from my own reactions to my external and internal forces starting building.

Now, being the ever fearful and cautious woman I have always been, I searched for a way to articulate my own inner feelings of discovery without giving away too much or seeming like a whiny, middle aged woman needing to garner sympathy and throw an ever going pity party.

Blogging seemed like a great idea, so the title of a blog and the format became a focus. I knew I wanted to invoke the word “Dancing,” but I was in no space to borrow from the hint of unbridled joy invoked by the word. After many phrases and titles, the only one that really seemed to fit what I wanted to create was “Dancing Naked.”

The title conveyed exactly what I wanted to share, but, me being me, I had to make sure there was no trademark on the phrase. I found one filed for a wine, but it was abandoned. Crossing my fingers and stepping out there, Dancing Naked was born October 6, 2010.

Posting was very intermittent, but going back and reading some of my earlier posts, I can see how far I have grown. Those that know me know that I have been in the process of changing my name for four years because of some very personal reasons. And as I have grown, that name has changed some. In fact, one of the earlier names still remains on my page.

But through it all, I have attempted to be open and honest with my readers. I have tried to take my readers with me on this journey. The past few years have brought some of the most difficult lessons, and up until last year, there was very little blogging done.

Last year, I started a series of daily blogs taking random songs from my playlist and writing my impressions. That proved to be the greatest challenge and awakening process. And now, I find myself going back to the music format, but needing to move forward.

So, I will take this moment to dance naked a little here. Ready? In October, I had a very large cyst/tumor removed from the base of my skull that was causing blurred vision, headaches, and dizziness. It was benign, thank the Goddess! But that opened my voice. I released what I felt was a giant yoke around my neck keeping me from speaking my truth – my real truth.

In May, I was diagnosed as a diabetic. Damn! Didn’t see that one coming. My beautiful new doctor made sure to impress upon me that is was due to extreme stress. So, a drastic diet change, the addition of pharmaceuticals, and amping up my meditation practice entered my life. In June, I was scheduled for a total right knee replacement since my knee was gone. That happened in July.

And now? Well, eight weeks later, I am moving and doing great! No more neck issues, my blood sugar is controlled, and I have a new knee! I still have some pain and limited mobility, but rehab has taught me a lot about myself. Mainly that I have been stuck in fear of doing the wrong thing for so long that I was missing out on a lot of joy and passion in my life. I was the need to step out of my ego and pride and move forward in my life with my passion.

My passion? Writing! Painting! Creating! So, here you and I are at this very moment in time together. Dancing Naked is my baby where I share my journey with you! Sometimes, it’s not very pretty, but it is honest, raw, and my truth! I would love to add more readers and share with more in the hopes that we can all find our way in the world to grow and feel free to Dance Naked once in a while.

How Long? (Warning: this is Dancing Naked!)

17 Sep 2014 3 Comments

by Camille in All About Me Tags: beauty, dancing naked, empowerment, feminine empowerment, feminism, love, pleasure, Renee, sensual, sex

Today’s Music Muse – How Long by Matchbox Twenty

Link with lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/matchbox20/howlong.html

When love hits, it can hit hard! Regardless if it’s a new love or old love. There we are, just living life, and then, BAM! It hits!

If you don’t grab it and hold on, it could just pass you by. The feeling of wondering if it’s right or wrong can get so overwhelming that we just wait. Why? Let’s look at this.

What does the perfect love look like to you? Is it heart stopping, breath taking, palm sweating, fire in the belly romance or is it that comfortable feeling of someone who just gets you? Sitting together – sipping tea, coffee, wine, whatever – no words spoken. Just hand holding, looking at each other, enjoying just the feel of being. Why can’t it be both?

For me? I am greedy – I admit that I want both! I want that heart stopping, breath taking, palm sweating, fire in the belly romance with that special someone who just gets me. I want romance, soft touches, quiet words, loving glances, hand holding, just being together … and I want fire, passion, tear my clothes off, throw me down, and … well, you get the picture.

This is the deal – if you don’t have both, you’re missing out on the greatest human experience. We are sensual creatures made to enjoy the sensual side of life, but we are also nesters needing that deep soul connection to another.

Being raised in an era that frowned on the pleasure of sex and the sensual feelings, I grew up believing that it was wrong to experience the yearning of the physical desire for another. It was wrong to need that part of the human connection, unless you wanted to make babies. Especially as a girl!

I remember the first “talk” I had with my mother. Sex was not for enjoyment, but necessary to do my duty with my husband. If I enjoyed it, I was a slut. It was dirty, and not ladylike at all. But, if I wanted to keep my husband happy, then the best I could do was sit back, close my eyes, and wait until it was over. And, I had to remain a virgin until I married.

I remember watching “those girls” in high school and hearing them talk of their conquests in the same way the guys talked of theirs. And I also remember the tales and talk about “those girls” that could destroy a girl’s reputation in one second flat. I remember thinking then that if it was so wrong, why was it that the boys could enjoy it. Why weren’t they labeled the same as “those girls” and seen at outcasts?

Those thoughts, of course, were put away. I fell in love, married, and did my “wifely duty” as I had been taught. When my young and very handsome husband even suggested something out of the missionary position, I was aghast and appalled that he would even think of asking me to do something everyone knew only “those girls” did. After a while he stopped asking, and our sex life fell into a routine that held very little pleasure for me – even though, I pretended.

As I have grown older and become more aware of myself and my own sensual nature, I have found myself opening more. I realize and have become enlightened to the pleasure, sensual nature of the physical connection between two people. The more I have given into my sensual side and the desire to explore, the more I acknowledge my own beauty. I now know that I am beautiful and sensual, and yes, sexy. I am a sensual being made to experience pleasure and enjoyment.

My husband? Well, we are still together, and sometimes I wonder if he is ready for the new me. After waiting so long for me to awaken, I see him sometimes with a look of confusion on his face. But I suspect that he rather likes the new me, and this love we have?

Well, he still gets me and we still sit together holding hands, sipping whatever it is we drink, but I have grabbed onto the heart stopping, breath taking, palm sweating, fire in the belly romance, tear my clothes off, throw me down love! Yep, even now!

Moving Forward

29 Aug 2014 1 Comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: dancing naked, dark and light, empowerment, Growth, moving forward

My Music Muse – Hold On by Sarah McLachlan

Link to Music/Lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sarahmclachlan/holdon.html

My last post was the day of my knee replacement surgery, and it has already been five weeks. Time has gone by so quickly. I have missed my readers and sharing my raw, open, and naked self with all you.

First, I am doing great and moving forward quickly. I was thinking this morning during my usual morning cup of coffee that I have experienced so much in the last five weeks and really needed to share with all of you. So, after dressing and doing my rehab exercises, I came to work in my studio/office. I opened my playlist on the cloud, hit shuffle, and here was this song, Hold On by Sarah McLachlan.

The opening lyrics, “Hold on, Hold on to yourself for this is gonna hurt like hell” is really the only phrase to open what has been brought to the open for me during this time. I am not talking about the physical pain, although that has definitely been a new experience for me. No, I’m talking about the pain of realizing that this event of three is the culmination of what I have been avoiding for a very long time.

In my blog before surgery, I shared that I have lived my life based on fear and that this surgery is the epitome of the final step of moving forward for me. No longer basing decisions based on fear, but moving forward bravely and with courage.

And it has “hurt like hell!” But through this all? I would not change a thing. You see, even when we decide to shed those old beliefs and move forward, Source (or whatever you chose to call it) gets busy and circumstances and events come into your life that make way for the new. It can be so painful, and there are so many times when we wonder what the hell is going on. Haven’t I had enough? But, the desire to move forward is much stronger than the comfort of staying where I was.

This is a tug of war between two spirits within me. Dark and Light? Frankly, it doesn’t matter. What matters is the one spirit knows she needs to move on and the other was (notice the “was”) staying where the comfort is. To quote the song,

At the crossroads I am standing
So now you’re sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you’ll be strong tomorrow and we’ll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face.

The strength that is within me pushes me forward, and the smile and joy that moving into my passion brings is far beyond what I could imagine. And so, with faith and the support of those around me that get this? I move forward to the world I have imagined and created.

And now playing is Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds – apropos! “Don’t worry ‘bout a thing!”

Let Go and Dream

18 Jun 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: dancing naked, dreams, empowerment, love yourself, self discovery, self love, self value, self worth

Music for the Day – Dreams by Stevie Nicks

Link to Music/Lyrics – http://www.songlyrics.com/stevie-nicks/dreams-lyrics/

Sometimes, in our lives we feel we have lost the dream we once imagined. We start off with these visions of where our lives should go and dreams of the most amazing events happening in our life.

Then we reach a certain age, and look back wondering what happened to the dreams and visions of that young girl who entered this life full of expectations of how things would be. I remember that girl – scared and fearful that the man she chose to share her life with would leave realizing that she wasn’t so great after all and that it was just an illusion.

I have reached that age when the children are grown and living their own lives. And I still have those dreams that remain strong and very real. You see, I just put them on hold for a while. I am still young enough to make them a reality and old enough to recognize how it plays out according to my own self-limitations, and no other.

I am pursuing the dream of writing, working on the dream of painting, and envisioning the dream of playing music. It’s all there – inside of me just waiting to blossom into what I had dreamed.

Many obstacles in my life have provided that which comes to life in my writing and painting. Poetry is just becoming another avenue of expression. The music? I’m thinking getting another guitar and re-acquainting myself with an instrument that saved my life in my early teens, besides the piano.

One thing that I have learned is that challenges and “players” will come and go, but those visions and dreams remain. I kept them to myself, but now, I feel the freedom to let go, throw them in the air, and see where they land! I cannot depend on any one person or event to make it happen for me. That is up to me, and I am on the edge of letting loose. I will jump and fly, landing where I land with the old expectations of the girl of so long ago with one difference – she has moved out of that scared feeling and taking the courage to step out.

I really do not know where this will take me, but I am open to the possibilities. I am open to embracing all of the amazingness of me! I am open to embracing where I am taken regardless of the path to get there, because I depend on me, and me alone, to make this happen.

Oh, that man I shared my life with that I was afraid would discover the truth about me and would leave. Well, 40 years later, he is still here. He knows the truth about me, and yet, he still holds on. Amazing!

Raw and Vulnerable – Dancing Naked

29 May 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: dancing naked, empowerment, Growth, love, self love, self value, self worth, shadow self

Music Download for today – Seven Lives by Enigma

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/enigma/sevenlives.html http://youtu.be/A2s4PXq8F1M

“Seven Lives” by Enigma

Traces, many faces
Lost in the maze of time
Blinded by the darkness
That’s the start of the seven lives

It’s too close, but still too far
Follow your inner guide
Show us who you are (are, are)
In these seven lives

Follow your inner guide
Show me who you are
In these seven lives

It’s too close, but still too far
Show me who you are
In these seven lives

We all have many faces – those we share with the ones that are the closest and those that are hidden. What happens when the hidden faces emerge into those that are open? The shadow side becomes exposed, raw – out there for everyone to see. The trick is … Do the ones that say they love us really love us for all that we are? Or do they run and hide when hidden faces show those pieces of us that have been in the shadows for so long?

It is a given that those that stay without a question are earnest in their words and feelings. What is not a given is do you stay with yourself when those hidden faces emerge through the shadows, or do you run and hide from your own truth?

That is the most difficult to do sometimes. The challenge is to take each of those faces and really look deep into the eyes. Where is the belonging? Where is the home? The doubts – the fears – the scaries – they will all emerge sometime. What do you do when they come out to play?

Well, for me, I give them their own names and personalities and write them in books or paint them on a canvas. I look at their personalities and ask where the belonging is. Is the belonging to be a part of me or shall I hold and embrace that part of me and let it go? To be sure, there are faces that are scary or scared, but there are those that need to be a part of my life and a part of my beingness. Those? I give birth to, nurture, and if the time comes, I let it go. If it is to remain a part of me and my life, I love it as a part of myself knowing that this is what molded me into who I am at the given moment of time. It could change tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, or in years to come. It matters not because I am ever changing, ever evolving, ever becoming. I believe that when I stop, then this life will be over.

At this moment in time, several faces have emerged that have created a need to take another look at what I need. Some are difficult and have been buried for many years, even from the one that is the closest to me, and as I navigate through the exploration and realization of this part of me, there are some thoughts and feelings that just cannot be expressed. There are specters that appear attempting to undo what I know has been great growth. To those specters, I open my arms wide so that I can become who I am meant to be, finally.

And this is the whole point of Dancing Naked – open, raw, vulnerable. Take it in. Hold it. Love it. Tell it everything is all right.

Whatever the Hell I Choose!

16 May 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: Camille, camille renee harper-wylde, dancing naked, empowerment, fire, love, Renee, self discovery, self love, self value, self worth

Music Muse – Into the Fire by Sarah McLachlan

Link to Music/Lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sarahmclachlan/intothefire.html

I started changing – evolving – finding myself – about 6 years ago. One of the changes I knew that needed to change was my name. So many attachments and fears were attached to that old name, but back then I was unsure how that change would take place. After a few years of this name and that name and trying out how each felt, one appeared in my mind that, at that time, seemed perfect. But in the last three years, even that changed.

What I discovered is that as I opened myself to all of the possibilities and all of the personalities of my selfness, so did the way I accepted myself. I am a firm believer that words, especially names, have great power.

As I listened to today’s music, Into the Fire, images were conjured of my struggles since the decision to change my name and the fire that has become a part of my being – burning away the old dross and purifying the new to embody what I had always held so deep within but kept buried in the camouflage of my masks.

Once I had accepted my new beingness and thought the name that had attached itself was set, BAM! Another change! So, I have come to this place of knowingness that comes from a deep longing and soul searching.

I have leapt into the fire. I feed the fire. I return to the beginning and those words that were spoken to me so long ago by parents that did not understand how powerful words are.

There is no compromise any longer – no acceptance of what others say I should be. I may still carry some of those old fears attached to my original name, but I have rested in the cleansing waters of the Mother. Those old fears? Now I lovingly embrace them because that little girl I left behind still needs to be held and comforted. She still is afraid of rejection and abandonment.

Abandonment. Ah, that’s the word that causes her to stir. But, as I take on all that my newness brings, there is a quiet strength that brings her comfort. Words that quiet her flames tell her that she is beautiful and even if those around her who do not appreciate her completeness and scoff at her struggle to find that piece of her that was lost so very long ago, she is perfect and whole. She is not broken – she is whole, lovable, and valuable. For those that cannot see that? They are not a part of her world any longer. She can make that choice. I can make that choice.

So, when I am asked by those naysayers and scoffers and those that do not understand, “So, what is your name today?” I say, “Whatever the hell I choose!”