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Whatever the Hell I Choose!

16 May 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: Camille, camille renee harper-wylde, dancing naked, empowerment, fire, love, Renee, self discovery, self love, self value, self worth

Music Muse – Into the Fire by Sarah McLachlan

Link to Music/Lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sarahmclachlan/intothefire.html

I started changing – evolving – finding myself – about 6 years ago. One of the changes I knew that needed to change was my name. So many attachments and fears were attached to that old name, but back then I was unsure how that change would take place. After a few years of this name and that name and trying out how each felt, one appeared in my mind that, at that time, seemed perfect. But in the last three years, even that changed.

What I discovered is that as I opened myself to all of the possibilities and all of the personalities of my selfness, so did the way I accepted myself. I am a firm believer that words, especially names, have great power.

As I listened to today’s music, Into the Fire, images were conjured of my struggles since the decision to change my name and the fire that has become a part of my being – burning away the old dross and purifying the new to embody what I had always held so deep within but kept buried in the camouflage of my masks.

Once I had accepted my new beingness and thought the name that had attached itself was set, BAM! Another change! So, I have come to this place of knowingness that comes from a deep longing and soul searching.

I have leapt into the fire. I feed the fire. I return to the beginning and those words that were spoken to me so long ago by parents that did not understand how powerful words are.

There is no compromise any longer – no acceptance of what others say I should be. I may still carry some of those old fears attached to my original name, but I have rested in the cleansing waters of the Mother. Those old fears? Now I lovingly embrace them because that little girl I left behind still needs to be held and comforted. She still is afraid of rejection and abandonment.

Abandonment. Ah, that’s the word that causes her to stir. But, as I take on all that my newness brings, there is a quiet strength that brings her comfort. Words that quiet her flames tell her that she is beautiful and even if those around her who do not appreciate her completeness and scoff at her struggle to find that piece of her that was lost so very long ago, she is perfect and whole. She is not broken – she is whole, lovable, and valuable. For those that cannot see that? They are not a part of her world any longer. She can make that choice. I can make that choice.

So, when I am asked by those naysayers and scoffers and those that do not understand, “So, what is your name today?” I say, “Whatever the hell I choose!”

All Work and No Play

28 Apr 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: dancing naked, heart, love, marriage, relationships, sacred partnerships

Music of the Day – What I Wanted to Say by Colbie Caillat

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/colbiecaillat/whatiwantedtosay.html

Sometimes the worst thing is not saying what needs to be said for fear of how the other person in a relationship will receive what is said. Confusing? It sure is, and when those words are not spoken and left unsaid, we are left with the emotions that are conveyed in this song.

That being said (pun intended), it is also important to honor what we are feeling inside. A very wise young woman (I can say that because she is about 20 years younger than me) wrote an amazing insightful post today that if there is work involved in a relationship, then it is not a real relationship. After reading her post (thank you, Courtney A. Walsh), I paused to think about this.

Then, of course, because that is the energy with which I find myself today, Colbie’s song showed up on my shuffle playlist. So, here is what I know about this whole relationship thing.

When one partner no longer is all in, or when one partner takes the relationship for granted believing that regardless of actions or lack of actions everything will be ok, this is where work comes in. What happens is that the other either moves from a loving heartfelt place into a place in which change and adjusting to the other’s attitude, and this is work. And this is where the relationship is no longer a living, breathing, heart place, but a place that becomes tiring and hard and difficult. When both partners are all in and do and say those little things that mean so much, then work is not required. It becomes play and fun and heart felt!

This is when it moves from being a daily workplace to an honoring and sacred relationship in which both are all in and want to play. Understand, that when those little things that are challenges are thrown in the path of both, because they are all in, those little challenges do not become gigantic walls that either have to be blown up or climbed over – work! The question now has to be asked – can both look at each other and laugh and enjoy and play? Or do they have to adjust to the other’s attitude? Can they both just be in the moment together with honest love and just holding?

Yeah, relationships shouldn’t be work – they should be play – together!

What will you not say today? Can you just take the chance and say what is in your heart? Or will you just sit quietly, stew in your own juices, and say, “I should have done something?”

Simply Am

17 Apr 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: broken, courtney a walsh, dancing naked, fixing, Healing, human, love, self value, self worth

Music of the Day – If I Knew by Bruno Mars

Link to the music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/brunomars/ifiknew.html

This past week the message has been about knowing that we are not born broken and that we do not need fixing. This is an old paradigm that was taught to us from the beginning of the god of control, not the god of love. And it is an old paradigm that needs ending to move into one that acknowledges all parts of our selves – even those that were brainwashed into our heads that we are not whole.

Courtney A. Walsh, a writer I greatly respect, posts a lot of wisdom on her Facebook page about this subject, and I have to attribute the following image to her.

This particular song conveys a message of regret for things done in the past, but for me it speaks volumes of letting the past go. Know that in each given moment of time, we are always exactly where we are to be, learning and experiencing exactly what we are. Sometimes, it is so painful that it feels as if the very heart and soul are being ripped open, but it is through the ripping open that we can embrace ourselves and experience. The healing that spews forth from that heart space and from letting go of past judgments and whatifs, is what we create ourselves.

I compare healing not to fixing anymore, but to embracing all the stuff and making it my own. The judgment of good and bad should not even be a part of my consciousness since there is nothing broken or needing fixing. Instead, experiencing even the pain and loss – the hurt is part of our experience here.

I do not have any unequivocal answers to all of this, and there are days that I have very little wisdom. But on those days that I hold wisdom? Those are the days that I embrace each and every part of me. Those are the days that I allow myself to be whatever or whomever I am that day. These are the days that I simply am!

Reborn and Renee

14 Apr 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: chasing you, dancing naked, joy, love, power, reborn, Renee

Music of the Day – Chasing You by Capital Cities

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/capitalcities/chasingyou.html

Ever feel like a hamster on a wheel running and running to nowhere in particular, and yet, you keep running and chasing. Today’s music is absolutely perfect for what I am releasing in my life, and I want to share with you, my readers, just how important the lyrics to this song are.

I almost don’t need to add anything here, but, you know me, I will.

I have spent my life chasing “something,” did not know what, but “something.” I have always had the feeling that what I was seeking was just out of my reach, and just as I reached that “something,” it was snatched out of my reach once again. That is until this year. Up to now, the chase was the “something.” I just didn’t realize it.

Today, I am here to tell you that the “something” was grabbed a few months ago and the chase is over. Now it is the dance with the “something” that is important. What is the “something?” ME!

Yep, I have been chasing me! I was there all along, came out in my Sunday best, and ran again just as I thought I had found me. I was stuck in a loop, on a wheel, thinking that I was broken and needed fixing. Always looking outside of myself for someone or “something” to fix it.

And … I am not broken, I do not need fixing, I am me! In my Amazingness, in my Awesomeness, in my Vulnerability, in my Anger, in my Love, in my Joy, in my Desires, in my Passions. In Me! I stand now full of myself and my being – not accepting compromise, not accepting any judgment, not accepting any talk or thoughts that would attempt to take me away from me.

So, I say to my readers, and to the family and friends that wonder all about why I have so latched on to the change of names over the years. The old is buried with love for all that she taught me, the new is here, reborn and Renee!

The Second Time Around

08 Apr 2014 2 Comments

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: dancing naked, love, love/lust magic, lust, magic, relationships, slow dancing in a burning room

Music for the Day – Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/johnmayer/slowdancinginaburningroom.html

So many times, especially in long term relationships, we hide behind what we thought we should be. We hide behind the fake smiles and fake laughs and fake faces when we know that connection is lost and love is hard to find. Is there a time when two people who love deep just stop?

Love, real love, is a choice. That first meet, early play feeling that we call love is just a chemical reaction, but oh, how that early love can draw us in and create the illusion of lasting chosen love. Yeah, we all have heard it before – love takes work. And, yes, it does! But that chemical reaction is so important to creating the desire to choose love.

Relationships are hard and without the kick ass, body shaking, heart stopping love/lust magic, it makes it harder. Seriously, why choose to stay in love if there is no chemical reaction or reason to stay in love.

Here is the reality of the whole thing. If the magic is gone, and both realize it, then decisions have to be made. Do you stay as is, or do you move on? Can you stay as is? That is probably the hardest question to answer. If the answer is yes, you stay, then you are already prepared for the work ahead.

Just as in the song, honest, raw emotions and feelings have to be shared. Turning to each other to share, really share, inner deep thoughts and heart wrenching words is what may be the deciding factor.

Instead of slow dancing, how about picking up the beat a little? If the choice is to stay in love, then I say, instead of recreating what is broken just to keep the slow dance going when the room is on fire, start over with each other. Start that process all over and fall in love/lust magic all over again. Leave behind the old memories of what blocked the magic. If necessary, write down all those things that got in the way and burn it! Get rid of it! Start over.

Create a new first date and create the new thrill of love/lust magic. Do some sexting with each other during the day. Create some excitement. And don’t let anyone get in the way of creating a new relationship – a new love.

I’m here to tell you – it’s better the second time around!

Let the Thing Go!

03 Apr 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: dancing naked, empowerment, fear, let it go, releasing, self love, self value, self worth, stories, Story, Thing

Music of the Day – Daylight by Maroon 5

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/maroon5/daylight.html

Truth time! And you have to be perfectly honest with yourself here – I am! Even though this song is about a break up between two lovers, the energy of the song reminds me of how we hold onto those things/events/stories that no longer serve us and bring us pain. Yeah, we get so caught up in our stories and attachments that we just don’t want to let go.

Examining our attachments to thing/event/stories shows us just how much we rely on the story behind them and just how much we create a perfection about them. We get so caught up in the victim/it’s their fault story that we don’t see how much these thought processes are holding us back from realizing our greatness/awesomeness!

And when we see, really see, just how destructive this story is, we still want to hold on just a bit longer – just one more day. Why? Because this Thing has become a part of our own story and we are attached to it thinking that without it, we just cannot exist. There is a stanza in the song that says:

I never want it to stop
Because I don’t wanna start all over
Start all over
I was afraid of the dark
But now it’s all that I want
All that I want, all that I want

Isn’t that what is so scary about letting this Thing go? Starting over – recreating ourselves – realizing our own self-worth, self-value, self-love without the story surrounding the Thing! Yeah, it’s a scary place to face. And as long as we stay in the darkness of the Thing/Story, we feel safe! We do not want the daylight to come because then we have to really face letting go of the Thing/Story. And yet, we know it is inevitable that we face the Thing and finally let it go – release it.
And so, we hold on just for a bit longer to make sure that we are ready, “Cause in the daylight we’ll be on our own!” Are you ready to be on your own without the Thing/Story? I know I am!

Join the Dance

02 Apr 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: birth, creation, dancing naked, empowerment, Goddess, Masculine Feminine aspect, Moon, Music of the Day, Sun, woman

Music of the Day – My God is the Sun by Queens of the Stone Age

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/queensofthestoneage/mygodisthesun.html

Raw, power, energy – the Sun!

The Sun chases the dark away and brings light. The Sun illuminates the secrets that lie in the shadows. There is healing in the Sun. There is power in the Sun. There is untapped energy in the Sun. The Sun – the masculine power that can overtake the feminine, the Moon.

It is said that the moon is reflective of the sun, and technically that is very true; however, without the reflective power of the moon, the sun would be one dimensional. The Moon represents the Feminine aspect – the Sun is the Masculine aspect.

As a woman who honors and acknowledges the Goddess within her, I know that the Sun also holds Feminine qualities. Those qualities provide the passion, the fire for creativity. Without that fire, creativity cannot take place.

In my world, the Sun, besides representing the Masculine aspect, also represents the creative fire within a woman, and the Moon represents the shadow that is important for cooling and peace and the gestation for what is being created. The Moon is the womb where ideas and desires take root, are nurtured, are gestated before birthing. Out of the womb, the creation is birthed into the light where the Sun takes over with passion, fire, and healing energy. This is where the Sun and the Moon are as one – Masculine/Feminine aspects as one. The Moon needs the Sun just as much as the Sun needs the Moon. Both must have what the other offers to become the truth of their own aspects.

It is the perfect combination and synergy that both move together to create our passions and desires. It is the perfect combination and synergy that allow Feminine/Masculine to dance that most sacred dance. Dark and Light come together in the perfect cosmic dance that creates, incubates, and births the heart’s desires. Light and Dark join together to support and nurture the heart’s desires. Feminine/Masculine join together to heal the pain and hidden fears so that the creation came come into full fruition and realization.

What are your heart’s desires? Take what the Sun offers and allow the Moon to reflect the passions of your heart’s desires. Dance the Cosmic Dance of Lovers – the realization of Sun/Moon – Masculine/Feminine – Light/Dark – Dark/Light – Feminine/Masculine – Moon/Sun. Fire, Passion, Desire – it’s all a part of the Dance.

A Brand New Me!

28 Mar 2014 2 Comments

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: A Brand New Me, bodacious, brave, courage, dancing naked, empowerment, love, Renee

Song of the Day – Brand New Me by Alicia Keys

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/aliciakeys/brandnewme.html

I admit that this was not the first song that my playlist played when I hit shuffle. The first song was about a love relationship that was broken and not fixable – something I have considered as of late. But, frankly, that song, while there were parts that spoke to me, was just way too personal and deep for me today. Not because I don’t want to look at the deeper meaning, but it just didn’t seem right. So, I closed my eyes, and hit shuffle again. Here it is! Brand New Me by Alicia Keys – just right!

So, there is a little soul baring here today. This song by Alicia Keys spoke so deeply and so profoundly to me that I just had to share what I felt in a huge and raw way. I have a story to tell today that I hope you will take the time to understand and just be with.

I married at a very young age – just out of high school. I went from being a teenage student ready to live and have fun to being a married woman not sure where her place was or even how to do this thing. I loved my man so much and had only known him for a short time, but somehow I just knew it was right. He was only 20 and I was 18, and I don’t think he knew what to do with this woman/girl who, unbeknownst to him, had an immense about of baggage yet to be discovered. And so, we married and set up house.

During the majority of our marriage up until the last few years, I held onto the old beliefs of what a wife was supposed to be – putting her man first, then her children, then herself last. And so I built my life around my family believing that I was doing what I was supposed to do. Oh, I had dreams, but those dreams were supposed to go on the back burner, right?

When my daughters were young, I became very ill, and during this illness, I remembered through a lot of painful parts of my childhood that were traumatic. I was honest with my husband and talked about it, and through his strength and love, was able to work through it. But that was only the beginning. Fast forward to a few years ago …

I have been subject to night terrors as long as I can remember, and one night, another huge piece of my childhood raised its ugly head. It was something that I had suspected, but had never faced full on. Again, through my husband’s strength and love, I was able to talk about it – somewhat. And yet, there was still so much missing from my memories. Until this past year …

Flashbacks and memories came flooding in one night while my man was away. It was a traumatic night and one that took me into one of the darkest nights of my soul I had ever experienced and I relived every ugly moment. Going through it brought a tremendous change – one that has changed me forever and created a “Brand New Me!” This change has also validated the necessity of my name change – something about which I have worked for several years, but not really realizing the exact reasons.

And now, here is this new me embracing all the pieces of me that have been fragmented and scattered for so long. With this new me, I am discovering parts of myself that I never knew existed. I have broken through the old patterns of thoughts and beliefs and have fully embraced me. This is also the scary part, because no longer are the old patterns serving me and no longer do I wish to make them part of myself. The actions that once I believed to be selfish I now realize are self-care and self-validating.

To say that my husband often feels confused is an understatement. Even though he says he loves this new me, I suspect that, at times, he is scared of who I am. I have always been strong, but there is a power in me now that demands to be set free. In building my life around him and my children, I left pieces of me buried – old dreams and passions. Those old dreams and passions are being raised from the dead, so to speak, to become actuated in my life here and now!

There are times when I wish I had learned this when I was younger, and there are times when I feel just a little regret for what I perceive, just for that moment, the wasted time. But, I am young still, and I am determined to experience life just as I dreamed. I know I have changed, and I know that my husband and daughters don’t quite know what to make of me sometimes, but I know that to trivialize this new me is to deprive my soul-spirit of love and joy.

I do not wish to become the bitter old woman who regrets not doing those things she desired. No, I desire to become the whole and complete woman – strong, powerful, full of joy and life! And this I share with you, my readers – my life as Renee is joyful, juicy, and bodacious, with no regrets and no apologies!

To my family and old friends that are confused and don’t know what to make of me, I leave you with the lines of this song:

I don’t need your opinion
I’m not waiting for your “OK”
I’ll never be perfect,
But at least now I’m brave
I know my heart is open
I can finally breathe
Don’t be mad
It’s just a brand new kinda free
That ain’t bad
I found a brand new kinda me
Don’t be mad
It’s a brand new time for me

It is my desire to experience this with you, but it is your choice. Know this – I love me and in loving me, I can, finally, truly love you!

Bring on the Rain!

27 Mar 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: dancing naked, kindness, love, nina simone, rain, self love, self-care

Music of the Morning – I Think it’s Going to Rain Today by Nina Simone

Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ninasimone/ithinkitsgoingtoraintoday.html

This song has so much in it, and it would be easy to write simply about the evocative lyrics and their meaning. But I think it would be too obvious, and the obvious is rarely what comes to my mind in my writing, especially today.

While there is so much to write concerning how humans treat each other and those that have much less than others, and I am reminded that how we treat others is indicative of how we treat ourselves. I have found that when self-love is lacking, so is love for others. If we cannot love ourselves, then how can we love another? Impossible! And I am talking about real love for ourselves – not just a sound bite or perfunctory type of love – real, honest, raw love!

That is an obvious. Here is the not so obvious. What happens when we take a friendship for granted? Does that mean we take ourselves for granted? Yes, I firmly believe so. Here is why!

Each morning, we get out of bed, shower, dress – whatever our regular routine is. Then we go out the door to work, school, where ever it is we go to. We are the “Scarecrows dressed in the latest styles with frozen faces to keep love away.” We keep our heads down focused on what is coming for the day, not thinking about our own self-care or our own well-being. We take for granted the smallest acts of kindness for ourselves.

Self-care is not always about eating right, exercising, and getting the right amount of sleep, even though that is a big piece. Self-care to me is that quick look in the mirror and a smile at myself, taking the time to take a moment to breathe and appreciate who I am, and taking a moment to acknowledge all those things, events, people – stuff – for which I am so grateful!

When I take the time to do this, I treat my friends and people I care about so much better. I enjoy my day, and when something occurs that threatens to bring the negative thoughts in my life, it is easier to just smile and breathe.

The act of self-care and self-love means that I am in this life to live – not just exist. I want to invite love into my life – not chase it away.

Allowing the rain to fall, cleansing and washing away the surface “dirt” brings a fresh new start and allowing the rain to fall and feeling the newness and immense possibilities of a fresh new start brings me, and I hope you, the joy of life, the joy of love, the joy of friendship, and yes, the joy of loving myself.

I love the sun, but I say today, bring on the rain!

The Body Joyous

21 Feb 2014 Leave a comment

by Camille in My Thoughts Exactly Tags: beauty, body joyous, dancing naked, empowerment, feminism, joy, women who run with the wolves

Music Muse for the day – Feels like the First Time by Foreigner

Link– http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/foreigner/feelslikethefirsttime.html – (you guys really have to listen!)

This dance between man and woman is most amazing, wouldn’t you agree? When there is a real connection between a man and a woman, there are those times that it feels fresh and new and the act of exploring each other is beyond imagination.

If you have been following this blog for the past few weeks, you will remember several posts in which I talked about the sensual side of the woman and how important it is to acknowledge that piece. Well, I am going a little farther today, because, well, that is just how I feel led this morning.

Confession of this blogger today – remember, this is Dancing Naked – with truth for my readers on my journey so far. I spent way too long suppressing the sensual side of my femaleness not understanding that it was the sensual side that made me feel like a woman. I did not understand that being sensual was a natural and wonderful part of who I am as a woman. The following stanza just speaks volumes about where I am in this time of my life:

I have waited a lifetime
Spent my time so foolishly
But now that I’ve found you
Together we’ll make history

The “You” I found is the reality of the sensual me! Yep, I said it! I have discovered what embracing the female inside me can bring – a sense of empowerment, a sense of beauty, a sense of life, and yes, a sense of my true nature. You see, we were created to enjoy the sensual side, and we were created to enjoy all that brings to us. I have discovered just how amazing my body truly is. I may need to lose a few pounds, and I may need to tone some muscles, but my body is the most amazing thing. It responds to joy, pleasure, sadness, anger – all those emotions.

Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, in Women Who Run with the Wolves, calls the body joyous. And that is what I have discovered – the body joyous! Oh, don’t get me wrong. When I look in the mirror, I still see those wrinkles and those curves and I still wonder what I can do to look my best. The difference now? I also see the body joyous! I see my perfection in the way I move and the way I feel.

I am a butterfly that has left the safety and security of the cocoon and is flying free. I may falter and I may make some mistakes in my flight, but I am seeing myself “just like the first time!” I attribute this to the support I have received and the love and guidance and acceptance to stretch my boundaries.

The door is open and I will never feel the old way again. Regardless of where my journey takes me from here, I am most grateful to the one who has opened the door. I urge my readers to allow the doors to be opened for yourselves. If you have any doubts about your amazingness and beauty, ignore all of those so-called flaws and really look at yourself – just like the first time. Embrace the sensual – embrace the wonder – embrace the Body Joyous!