Song of the Day – Brand New Me by Alicia Keys
Link to music/lyrics – http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/aliciakeys/brandnewme.html
I admit that this was not the first song that my playlist played when I hit shuffle. The first song was about a love relationship that was broken and not fixable – something I have considered as of late. But, frankly, that song, while there were parts that spoke to me, was just way too personal and deep for me today. Not because I don’t want to look at the deeper meaning, but it just didn’t seem right. So, I closed my eyes, and hit shuffle again. Here it is! Brand New Me by Alicia Keys – just right!
So, there is a little soul baring here today. This song by Alicia Keys spoke so deeply and so profoundly to me that I just had to share what I felt in a huge and raw way. I have a story to tell today that I hope you will take the time to understand and just be with.
I married at a very young age – just out of high school. I went from being a teenage student ready to live and have fun to being a married woman not sure where her place was or even how to do this thing. I loved my man so much and had only known him for a short time, but somehow I just knew it was right. He was only 20 and I was 18, and I don’t think he knew what to do with this woman/girl who, unbeknownst to him, had an immense about of baggage yet to be discovered. And so, we married and set up house.
During the majority of our marriage up until the last few years, I held onto the old beliefs of what a wife was supposed to be – putting her man first, then her children, then herself last. And so I built my life around my family believing that I was doing what I was supposed to do. Oh, I had dreams, but those dreams were supposed to go on the back burner, right?
When my daughters were young, I became very ill, and during this illness, I remembered through a lot of painful parts of my childhood that were traumatic. I was honest with my husband and talked about it, and through his strength and love, was able to work through it. But that was only the beginning. Fast forward to a few years ago …
I have been subject to night terrors as long as I can remember, and one night, another huge piece of my childhood raised its ugly head. It was something that I had suspected, but had never faced full on. Again, through my husband’s strength and love, I was able to talk about it – somewhat. And yet, there was still so much missing from my memories. Until this past year …
Flashbacks and memories came flooding in one night while my man was away. It was a traumatic night and one that took me into one of the darkest nights of my soul I had ever experienced and I relived every ugly moment. Going through it brought a tremendous change – one that has changed me forever and created a “Brand New Me!” This change has also validated the necessity of my name change – something about which I have worked for several years, but not really realizing the exact reasons.
And now, here is this new me embracing all the pieces of me that have been fragmented and scattered for so long. With this new me, I am discovering parts of myself that I never knew existed. I have broken through the old patterns of thoughts and beliefs and have fully embraced me. This is also the scary part, because no longer are the old patterns serving me and no longer do I wish to make them part of myself. The actions that once I believed to be selfish I now realize are self-care and self-validating.
To say that my husband often feels confused is an understatement. Even though he says he loves this new me, I suspect that, at times, he is scared of who I am. I have always been strong, but there is a power in me now that demands to be set free. In building my life around him and my children, I left pieces of me buried – old dreams and passions. Those old dreams and passions are being raised from the dead, so to speak, to become actuated in my life here and now!
There are times when I wish I had learned this when I was younger, and there are times when I feel just a little regret for what I perceive, just for that moment, the wasted time. But, I am young still, and I am determined to experience life just as I dreamed. I know I have changed, and I know that my husband and daughters don’t quite know what to make of me sometimes, but I know that to trivialize this new me is to deprive my soul-spirit of love and joy.
I do not wish to become the bitter old woman who regrets not doing those things she desired. No, I desire to become the whole and complete woman – strong, powerful, full of joy and life! And this I share with you, my readers – my life as Renee is joyful, juicy, and bodacious, with no regrets and no apologies!
To my family and old friends that are confused and don’t know what to make of me, I leave you with the lines of this song:
I don’t need your opinion
I’m not waiting for your “OK”
I’ll never be perfect,
But at least now I’m brave
I know my heart is open
I can finally breathe
Don’t be mad
It’s just a brand new kinda free
That ain’t bad
I found a brand new kinda me
Don’t be mad
It’s a brand new time for me
It is my desire to experience this with you, but it is your choice. Know this – I love me and in loving me, I can, finally, truly love you!
Dancing Naked 